Will you be mine, TSA agent?

I am sitting in the office today with nothing to do at the moment. Fact is I have quite a bit to do but the government’s computer network is down. I’ve come to notice that it is down almost all the time. Somehow we could send a man to the moon on a computer system you would find in a modern day blender but we can’t exchange basic information anymore. I can’t complain too much because I have been meaning to write something for this train wreck I call a blog. So thank you to the Illinois Department of Health and Human Services for being almost as incompetent as I am. 

Thanksgiving has come and gone and as always our ritualistic slaughter of turkey has left us with bulging belt lines, indigestion, and shame. When you visit three houses on Thanksgiving like I did that’s more than one dinner, dessert, and drink. And that’s a whole lotta shame. However, it could have been much worse. I could have been traveling through an airport this holiday season. Travelers had a wonderful choice between a grope session that didn’t even culminate with a happy ending or a virtual strip search. 

That's a nice belt buckle.

I myself am glad that the government has finally found a good use for perverts and pedophiles. How is it okay to strip search a thirteen year old girl in this fashion? Or a thirteen year old boy for that matter? For some reason in an airport we're all guilty until proven innocent.

 

This job must attract a certain type of individual. For example, someone similar to this guy:

Don't fuck with Jesus

The only solace I get from this terrible debacle is that for every hot girl or hot guy a TSA agent gets to see virtually stripped down, they have to endure the strip search of a 500 pound man with a fungus that emits an odor so disgraceful your throat convulses. You might enjoy those twenty seconds looking at the hot girl, but you will never forget the smell wafting out the rolls of that disgusting man. 

My personal view on this issue is that you must get to know your TSA agent a little. Before you can go through a body scanner and let them see you naked you have to make them work for it. A firm grope of your testicles or breasts goes a long way to build trust. Since your checking to see if I can hide explosives around my taint I want you to be sure and really give my schlong a good pull. And even though you would think someone walking through the airport with a cantaloupe sized bulge in his pants would be targeted first, you can check out my little bulge. I know you’re just curious. 

Be prepared for maximum fondling

Moreover we, as citizens, have the opportunity to make this whole process much nicer for the TSA agents. Like I said before, their nightmares will surely include the cankles, elephant odors, chili-breath, involuntary flatulence, and heavy breathing of the growing portion of Americans who have to pay for two plane seats. So what can we do to make this a better experience for the TSA? I made a list of things now okay to bring to the airport. 

·         Bikinis/Speedos: Wearing your swim suit helps the TSA in two ways. First, they still get to check out your goods but don’t have to x-ray you to do so. This also makes the pat-down process much easier because you have so little to hide.

·         Wine: In any foreplay situation, wine is a good way to warm up both parties. Remember to have it poured for your agent when you get to the front of the line to save time. You can then sniff and savor the wine before getting felt up. It's just like at home!

·         Something ribbed for her pleasure.

·         Oh yeah we must not forget the lube because every time we have to go through this bullshit we’re taking it up the ass. And you don’t want to do that without lube.