The Bald Eagle is Always Vigilant

As a patriotic American I take our country’s role of protecting freedom quite seriously. I carry my gun to wave in someone’s face if they infringe on my first amendment rights and I always call the police when I see suspicious foreigners. In fact, the police have told me I’m too attentive and that I will be served a subpoena if I call again. The price of vigilance is high.

Well it came as a surprise to me when I saw that the Department of Homeland Security has teamed up with Wal-Mart to help make our communities safer. It’s about god damn time my neighbors started making the same patriotic sacrifices I have been.

Select Wal-Mart check out lines will now have a video that you can watch while you buy your Martha Stewart underwear that will explain what Americans should be looking out for. By the way DHS, just save us some time and say brown people and foreigners because it makes it a lot easier for the ‘type’ of people shopping at Wal-Mart. The video also provides information about who should be contacted when suspicious activity occurs. 

While this is a novel idea it remains to be seen whether or not the plan will actually yield any terrorism arrests. I’ve been to Wal-Mart, and I don’t think I’ve ever noticed terrorists in the traditional sense. Terrorist is a general term referring to a person that incites terror. Honestly, I know nothing more terrifying than the people that shop at Wal-Mart. For some reason I don’t think Wal-Mart wants the majority of their clientele arrested on charges of terrorism. Unless, that is, they unveil a new legal service. 

I'm not sure if I should be chanting 'White Power!' or 'Bring on the Kool-Aid!'

What's more offensive, the catheter or the shirt with four horsemen riding into a lightning storm? Okay, probably the bag of pee.

The gloves keep his hands from soiling evidence as he hunts terrorists. The shirt allows his body to be cooled during times of heavy stress. True dedication.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Let's leave it with that.

In my research (yes, this was research) I came to an astonishing conclusion about the Department of Homeland Security's new plan to team up with Wal-Mart to stop terrorism. It seems like it will work if Wal-Mart customers keep their eyes open for suspicious activity. 

With that much Sprite, you must be making a fucking bomb.

Think about how wonderful it will be when Americans have a new class of patriotic heroes. No longer will heroism be restricted to Veterans, Police Officers, Firemen and women, and police dogs. It will give hope to a section of the population left out of this equation for too long. This my friends, just could be the next great American hero:

Click here for more about this story

Special thanks to People of Wal-Mart 

The Threat Down

The last two days have been particularly gloomy here in the wonderful city of Chicago. Cloudy mornings and afternoons obscure the sun’s warmth at a time when we need it most. Persistent cold is sneaking up on us and there is no denying that the seasons are changing. As the sun progressively sets earlier the motivation for many to be outside diminishes. This is the classic Midwestern hibernation stage of the year in which we fatten up and become very pale. For some reason when we emerge in the spring, we don’t think of moving away. We may all be truly insane. 

A recent conversation at work sparked two separate emotions in me: happiness and utter fear. Okay - first the happiness. My boss came into my office to ask me if I was pursuing other jobs in the near future. Being a temp worker, this is exciting because it looks like there is a good chance I’ll be hired on soon. As the smell of my boss’ french fries wafted through the air came the impending fear that I will experience for the rest of my life. It started ever so innocently. 

My co-worker, who was also enjoying the smell of those fries, was explaining how she just wanted to go home and get into her bed and watch movies. I can’t blame her. It’s gloomy out there. The two women then started talking about Lifetime and Oxygen. 

Now a Public Service Announcement for all of my female readers. Here’s an insight into the male mind. When Lifetime or Oxygen comes up in conversation, the auditory regions of the brain shut down. Have you ever noticed you kind of have to nudge a man after you’ve been talking about a Lifetime original? That’s because he’s making his lineup for his fantasy football team, picturing lesbians in a pillow fight, or imagining how many rams he could lasso in twenty minutes.

Scientists have concluded that on average the male brain is twelve times more powerful than the female counterpart.

 

Now because of this biological adaptation the male does not know much about Lifetime and Oxygen other than to avoid them while channel surfing. We are also collectively aware of what the basic program on Lifetime entails:

• Woman is abused by her husband. She feeds him bacon everyday and waits for the heart attack.
• Woman is abused by her drunken husband. Tears ensue.
• Teenage girl is molested by a clown. She must overcome her fear of men and clowns.
• Men are evil. Men are evil. Men are evil.

These shows are downers and I don’t get why anyone would want to watch them. Now obviously this is a male perspective because the channel is quite popular amongst the ladies. However I learned more about Oxygen today. Men, we may be in trouble. For my male readers let me explain the show ‘Snapped’. Apparently this show documents the lives of women who have ‘snapped’ and killed their husbands and boyfriends. They interview the ladies in prison and talk to their family and friends. It’s a reality show that apparently is a big hit with women. The ladies in my office seem to find it ‘entertaining’ and ‘hard not to get into’. 

This is Lauren Zalaznick COO/CEO of Oxygen. I bet a few men have woke up to see her standing over them with a butcher knife.

Such a big hit it is that on Sundays while the gentlemen are in the basement watching football and ignoring wives and girlfriends, Oxygen has marathons of the show that basically demonstrates how not to get caught killing your man. It’s delicately dancing the line between a how-to educational experience and entertainment. Don’t put Drano in his soup because the cops will definitely find out. Good to know. I’m storing that in the back of my head until the next time he checks out Joan next door. It is dangerous to watch marathons about killing your boyfriend or husband. It gets you thinking. Guys do stupid stuff that annoys the ladies. For example:

• Dutch ovens
•  Leaving the toilet seat up at night so the lady gets her butt wet
• Curiosity about the back door
• The phrase ‘What’s for dinner, toots?’
• Refusing to go to the ballet because you’re so close to training the dog to say ‘Ay Ay Captain!’
• Going bald and refusing to admit it thus making your wife deal with the terrible comb-over.
• Get a prescription for Viagra. That’s a commitment many ladies may prefer to pass on. 

I have a message to the Oxygen network. Let’s tone it down. While this show may be entertaining for women, are marathons really necessary? It may just push a woman over the edge. Do you see men watching pornography marathons? No. I think that would make women just as nervous and disgusted as ‘Snapped’ makes me feel. 

For all you women out there I have a message as well. Think about this a little bit. If you kill your man, who will be your pipe-fitter? Wrestle bears away in the snow? Who will bring back raccoon pelts to warm you during the winter? Who will fish your dumb kid’s dead hamster out of the sum-pump? Exactly! A man will and he’ll do it with a smile and make the world feel good. There are also many other useful things a man can do. For more information, inquire with your local man. 

Artist's rendition of your local area man.

Men, I also have a message for us. Be vigilant for two reasons my brothers. First reason being that it is now evident that the female media is clearly brainwashing women to become man-hating lesbians hell-bent on the destruction of men. A mouthful indeed, but very dangerous. And no, these lesbians are not cool. Secondly, we have to look within. The women are converting men to join their fight against us. There are traitors at every corner. The two signs of a traitor are a man’s lack of testicles and his ability to watch Lifetime and Oxygen. They go hand in hand. If you know of a man that watches or supports Lifetime or Oxygen, please take an appropriate course to neutralize him. It’s our duty. Here is the biggest traitor of them all:

President of Oxygen Jason Klarman. He is the epitome of traitor and should be considered public enemy #1. His lack of testicles and high pitched voice should make him easy to locate.

A Case of the Mondays

I think I have a case of the Mondays. While I absolutely hate that expression, it is fitting today. I’m tired, bored, and there is currently a condescending bitch standing in front of me. She is treating my co-worker like a child. I really don’t like this lady. It’s taking all of my strength not to stand up, fill her mouth with formaldehyde, and send her to the Smithsonian with a caption reading ‘World’s Largest Cunt’. 

As I sit here with nothing to do but listen to these ladies go back and forth I thought of a few places/scenarios that I would rather be in than a Monday workday.

A Closet Full of Testy Monkeys

I’ve always admired Jane Goodall’s work on the social structure of monkey life. While I could not commit to living in the jungle with them for years, I would be willing to study what would happen if you locked thirteen unusually angry monkeys in a closet with me, an eager scientist.

My hypothesis: I would connect with the monkeys on a deeper level. The monkeys would gain respect for me as their intellectual superior and bow to my leadership. With the monkeys on my side, I would establish a pickpockting scheme in Las Vegas. The monkeys get bananas and top shelf whiskey, I get gambling money and strippers.  

My associates are never late with the cash.

Totally better than a Monday workday.

 Tom Cruise’s Basement

Unless you’re a scientologist, you are aware that Tom Cruise is one of the most delusional people to ever walk this Earth. I wouldn’t be surprised if he saw himself as some sort of prophet. He thinks he is right about everything.  

Now mix in the fact that Mr. Cruise is extremely dim-witted. He is a practitioner of Scientology, I remind you. Among many other ridiculous things, this man actually believes that evil alien spirits are the cause of suffering in this world and his special instruments and saunas have the ability to cleanse the soul of the evil aliens. That’s not even smart by religion’s standards. 

If you’ve ever noticed in television interviews he gets really angry when he’s proven wrong. That’s part of his delusion. That’s also partly because most of the people that surround Cruise are scared to disagree with him. Those who have disagreed end up in his basement complex where they are forced to repeatedly listen to audio recordings of Dianetics followed by screenings of Battlefield Earth until their will is broken down. In a last tortuous swoop, prisoners of Tom Cruise’s basement are made to watch Knight and Day. This is the tragic end for the hundreds of people who disagree with Cruise each year. 

Cruise in his confused/angry stage. This precedes an explosion of anger in which you end up chained to the wall in his basement.

Still better than a Monday workday.   

The Elephant House

Elephants are the largest of the land creatures we find here on earth. In the wild they roam miles and miles through territorial and migratory lands. So what gave us the idea that it was alright to put them in a building for a good portion of the year? And when we did, why didn’t zoologists veto this absurd idea? This argument can be made for most wild animals, I know. 

If I were you I'd spray water at pregnant mothers with your trunk. Otherwise their babies will come back in a couple years and throw little hot wax elephants at you.

But have you seen the amount of feces an elephant makes? Yeah, let’s not keep that inside. Generally speaking I refuse to go in Pachyderm houses at the zoo because the smell is overwhelming. I’m not one of those prissy city people by any means. I enjoy nature and all of its odoriferous qualities. But concentrated animal shit is not something I willingly put up with the see a three ton animal stuffed into a ‘habitat’ the size of my apartment junior year of college.

Stay free, animal brother. And maybe deuce in that little car so they know what it's like to be in a small area with a large amount of feces.

But in this case, I’d rather smell fecal matter for eight hours than come to work.  

Church

I was born and raised Roman Catholic. I went to Catholic schools literally my entire life. This entailed Catholic grammar school, high school, and almost seven years and two degrees at the college level. This institution has been trying to indoctrinate me for over twenty years and can’t get me to show up for Sunday mass. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, it’s just that I don’t believe in illogical bedtime stories. 

I wish Jesus had raves at my Church on Sundays. I'd even consider not watching football.

Every time I am in Church I feel like I’m part of a cult. Stand up, sit down, stand up, kneel, talk in unison, stand up, don’t worry eat this, drink the red stuff, talk in unison, shake hands, kneel, sing like you’re part of a zombie chorus, sit down, talk in unison. See you next week. Luckily up until now the wine hasn't been poisoned with arsenic or something of the like.

Taking everything into consideration, I’d rather take that chance and eat a little Jesus wafer instead of going to work Monday morning.

A Mystery: Can You Help?

One interesting aspect of the modern world is the high probability that you are going to see something that shocks your world view every now and again. This doesn’t mean that Muhammad appears in the sky and tells us all Jesus was a dick and to stop praying to him. Although an occurrence like this would shake world views and also be pretty awesome. I hope deities cuss like sailors; it will make the after-life more interesting.

What I’m speaking about more specifically is something a person experiences that confuses and/or scares them to an extreme level. Something that, for a moment or two, you are doing nothing else but trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. 

 

Scene 1: Milwaukee, Wisconsin – Sometime During College

One night two friends of mine were out at the bar. It was a cold, clear skied, fall night in Milwaukee. We decided to leave and walked back a few blocks to an apartment to hang out away from the craziness that was the campus bar scene. All three of us were looking for a quieter night.

The apartment was on the second floor of a large U-shaped complex. It was typical dirty college housing. However you don’t really ever realize how dirty college housing is until you leave and see how normal people live. Anyway, we made our way to the balcony to smoke a couple cigarettes. It overlooked a busy intersection and a row of houses that were rented by students. Directly across from us, the house was having a party. Kids stumbled around yelling, drinking, smoking and generally having a drunken good time.

Now that’s when it happened. It started out slowly and got louder. Then louder. At first it sounded like a large train riding on its brakes. My two friends and I looked at each other quizzically. 

Louder. 

It was a slow sound. Again I thought it sounded like a train but no – it couldn’t be. If it was a train it was like no train I had ever heard before. And come to think of it, there were no train tracks anywhere near us. 

Louder. Louder. 

The sound got so loud the party across the street stopped. People looked around. Confused looks appeared on everyone’s faces. 

Louder. Now it is fucking loud. 

And it’s not a train. I know that, but it sounds like one huge, screeching, angry machine. I briefly had imagined something out of War of the Worlds coming down 17^th Street.

Not sure if I'd rather come face to face with this thing or Tom Cruise on a righteousness binge. 

The sound hit its peak as everyone in the area was starting to freak out. That’s when an old man in his car finally makes it through the intersection. This genius decided to ride around on all four rims. Not flat tires, people. He did not have any tires on. Just riding around on metal. Genius. The sound was immense. The car was moving at less than a mile per hour. We all pointed and laughed once we saw the random explanation to our noise. 

It was a good chuckle but also a huge relief. The entire event lasted about ten minutes or so but there is nothing quite like that feeling of complete ignorance of what is going on around you. It can truly be scary.  So props, crazy old man. You single-handedly caused the abrupt and total confusion of so many people in the city that night.

Scene 2: Chicago, Illinois – The Dan Ryan Expressway – Thursday  

Yesterday the work day kicked me in the balls. After it had a good laugh, it punched me in the throat and walked away. So naturally I was happy to leave the office and make my way home.  Since I don’t work in the greatest neighborhood, I had to drive through the minefield of potholes that is Garfield Boulevard to the Dan Ryan Expressway. It’s such a routine that I’m pretty sure I can do this with my eyes closed.

Anyway the Ryan is pretty packed as usual. I put on some good music and relax. I’ve never understood why people get so angry about traffic. Yeah I’d prefer not to be in traffic. But I always see it as an opportunity to listen to an album I haven’t heard in a while. I’ll get home. No big deal.

Either way, as the southern crawl progressed I noticed something that confused the fuck out of me. Coming down the break-down lane was an asshole in a taxi. But it was not your average asshole taxi driver. This yellow cabbie was covered in snow and ice. Completely covered. Mind you its about fifty degrees. As it zoomed by me it started to weave in and out of traffic. This guy was in a bigger hurry than Britney Spears was to achieving old fat mom status. Wasn't it just yesterday she was young, sexy, and untalented? Now she's just old, knocked-up, and untalented. Such a shame. 

I looked around to other cars on the expressway and of course the other people are zombies. Here’s what’s going through most of these people’s minds, something in the ballpark of:

I hope Dog the Bounty Hunter is on when I get home tonight. 

Consequently, no one is noticing this car covered in snow as I point and yell to people about it. Suddenly, I’m the crazy guy.

Hopefully I don't look this crazy.
(source:fantasticallyweirdshit)

As quickly as the taxi appeared in all its majesty, it disappeared into traffic ahead. So this is another one of those instances where I have no clue what to think. For the life of me, I can't come up with any explanation that makes much sense. I feel like there is a bug eating my brain from the inside out. This is killing me. After much thought, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. Mind you, these are the most logical things I can think of. Seriously. 

First, this car could have been in a freezer somewhere. It was driving very erratically, so it’s possible it was a car holding a dead body. Maybe the Mafia had something to do with it? The Yakuza? It was heading towards Indiana and we do all know that’s where you send your junk. Maybe they needed to wait a couple of days before transporting the body so they put it in a freezer to keep the stench down.

Second, this chemically enhanced brain of mine could have been having some sort of flashback. It is completely possible it was a total hallucination. I was very tired, which works in favor of this theory. However, hallucinating a taxi weaving in and out of traffic seems like less of a flashback and more of someone at work putting some microdot in my water. And judging by the fact that I made it home without crashing into all those penguins on the side of the road, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t on LSD.

The third and final theory is that this was a time traveler. All the evidence adds up. First, the car was driving like a maniac. If I had just come through a time portal I feel like I would be a little disorientated. Second, it was covered in ice. Traveling through a portal has to be either really hot or really cold. It’s definitely not a comfy seventy-five degrees.

It’s been a few days and I’m still very confused. Help me solve the mystery. There may be something I’ve overlooked. What do you think? Leave a comment if you want to help.