A Mystery: Can You Help?

One interesting aspect of the modern world is the high probability that you are going to see something that shocks your world view every now and again. This doesn’t mean that Muhammad appears in the sky and tells us all Jesus was a dick and to stop praying to him. Although an occurrence like this would shake world views and also be pretty awesome. I hope deities cuss like sailors; it will make the after-life more interesting.

What I’m speaking about more specifically is something a person experiences that confuses and/or scares them to an extreme level. Something that, for a moment or two, you are doing nothing else but trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. 

 

Scene 1: Milwaukee, Wisconsin – Sometime During College

One night two friends of mine were out at the bar. It was a cold, clear skied, fall night in Milwaukee. We decided to leave and walked back a few blocks to an apartment to hang out away from the craziness that was the campus bar scene. All three of us were looking for a quieter night.

The apartment was on the second floor of a large U-shaped complex. It was typical dirty college housing. However you don’t really ever realize how dirty college housing is until you leave and see how normal people live. Anyway, we made our way to the balcony to smoke a couple cigarettes. It overlooked a busy intersection and a row of houses that were rented by students. Directly across from us, the house was having a party. Kids stumbled around yelling, drinking, smoking and generally having a drunken good time.

Now that’s when it happened. It started out slowly and got louder. Then louder. At first it sounded like a large train riding on its brakes. My two friends and I looked at each other quizzically. 

Louder. 

It was a slow sound. Again I thought it sounded like a train but no – it couldn’t be. If it was a train it was like no train I had ever heard before. And come to think of it, there were no train tracks anywhere near us. 

Louder. Louder. 

The sound got so loud the party across the street stopped. People looked around. Confused looks appeared on everyone’s faces. 

Louder. Now it is fucking loud. 

And it’s not a train. I know that, but it sounds like one huge, screeching, angry machine. I briefly had imagined something out of War of the Worlds coming down 17^th Street.

Not sure if I'd rather come face to face with this thing or Tom Cruise on a righteousness binge. 

The sound hit its peak as everyone in the area was starting to freak out. That’s when an old man in his car finally makes it through the intersection. This genius decided to ride around on all four rims. Not flat tires, people. He did not have any tires on. Just riding around on metal. Genius. The sound was immense. The car was moving at less than a mile per hour. We all pointed and laughed once we saw the random explanation to our noise. 

It was a good chuckle but also a huge relief. The entire event lasted about ten minutes or so but there is nothing quite like that feeling of complete ignorance of what is going on around you. It can truly be scary.  So props, crazy old man. You single-handedly caused the abrupt and total confusion of so many people in the city that night.

Scene 2: Chicago, Illinois – The Dan Ryan Expressway – Thursday  

Yesterday the work day kicked me in the balls. After it had a good laugh, it punched me in the throat and walked away. So naturally I was happy to leave the office and make my way home.  Since I don’t work in the greatest neighborhood, I had to drive through the minefield of potholes that is Garfield Boulevard to the Dan Ryan Expressway. It’s such a routine that I’m pretty sure I can do this with my eyes closed.

Anyway the Ryan is pretty packed as usual. I put on some good music and relax. I’ve never understood why people get so angry about traffic. Yeah I’d prefer not to be in traffic. But I always see it as an opportunity to listen to an album I haven’t heard in a while. I’ll get home. No big deal.

Either way, as the southern crawl progressed I noticed something that confused the fuck out of me. Coming down the break-down lane was an asshole in a taxi. But it was not your average asshole taxi driver. This yellow cabbie was covered in snow and ice. Completely covered. Mind you its about fifty degrees. As it zoomed by me it started to weave in and out of traffic. This guy was in a bigger hurry than Britney Spears was to achieving old fat mom status. Wasn't it just yesterday she was young, sexy, and untalented? Now she's just old, knocked-up, and untalented. Such a shame. 

I looked around to other cars on the expressway and of course the other people are zombies. Here’s what’s going through most of these people’s minds, something in the ballpark of:

I hope Dog the Bounty Hunter is on when I get home tonight. 

Consequently, no one is noticing this car covered in snow as I point and yell to people about it. Suddenly, I’m the crazy guy.

Hopefully I don't look this crazy.
(source:fantasticallyweirdshit)

As quickly as the taxi appeared in all its majesty, it disappeared into traffic ahead. So this is another one of those instances where I have no clue what to think. For the life of me, I can't come up with any explanation that makes much sense. I feel like there is a bug eating my brain from the inside out. This is killing me. After much thought, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. Mind you, these are the most logical things I can think of. Seriously. 

First, this car could have been in a freezer somewhere. It was driving very erratically, so it’s possible it was a car holding a dead body. Maybe the Mafia had something to do with it? The Yakuza? It was heading towards Indiana and we do all know that’s where you send your junk. Maybe they needed to wait a couple of days before transporting the body so they put it in a freezer to keep the stench down.

Second, this chemically enhanced brain of mine could have been having some sort of flashback. It is completely possible it was a total hallucination. I was very tired, which works in favor of this theory. However, hallucinating a taxi weaving in and out of traffic seems like less of a flashback and more of someone at work putting some microdot in my water. And judging by the fact that I made it home without crashing into all those penguins on the side of the road, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t on LSD.

The third and final theory is that this was a time traveler. All the evidence adds up. First, the car was driving like a maniac. If I had just come through a time portal I feel like I would be a little disorientated. Second, it was covered in ice. Traveling through a portal has to be either really hot or really cold. It’s definitely not a comfy seventy-five degrees.

It’s been a few days and I’m still very confused. Help me solve the mystery. There may be something I’ve overlooked. What do you think? Leave a comment if you want to help.