A Bone to Pick with Bolivia

I have a bone to pick with Bolivia. Now it’s true that this is my first tiff with Bolivians but it is an important one nonetheless. Bolivia is on the brink of passing the ‘Law of Mother Earth’ legislation which endears Mother Earth with the same rights as humans. Read about it here.

The language of the law includes the following rights: the right to life and to exist; the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration; the right to pure water and clean air; and the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered.

Let’s break down what some are calling a ‘groundbreaking’ law and show why the Bolivians are making a boneheaded policy choice. 

The Right to Life and to Exist

I wholeheartedly agree that animals and plants have the right to life and to exist. Koalas, jaguars, lions, cows, yaks, flowers, and trees are all important aspects of the earth. Yet, they are also extremely delicious. 

Now this seems like a panda that wants to exist.

 Unfortunately for these creatures they don’t have opposable thumbs, metallurgy skills to make guns, swords, or machetes, and they are not privy to the fact that humans don’t like them around. Look, no one feels bad for the squirrel that gets hit by a car after staring at it for a full minute before deciding to move. It had plenty of time to move. Animals, you have to fight for your right…to party…wait, no I mean…to exist. 

The Right to Continue Vital Cycles and Processes Free From Human Alteration

This one is completely ridiculous. If animals have the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration, then humans should have the right to continue their vital cycles and processes free from animal alteration. Until humans have that right, then animals shouldn’t have it either. For example, why should I have my beautiful walk down the street marred by squirrels trying to fuck on telephone poles? Not only are they showing their disgusting admiration of exhibitionism, but they are also just plain showing off. 

Moreover, why should millions of humans be forced to have sex whilst some perverted dog watches? Or worse, the millions of humans who have had dogs try to get in on the action? Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. Why should humans endure the bugs that decide it’s a good idea to eat our crops? Is that not an affront to our vital cycles? You don’t see humans eating whatever the fuck it is that bugs eat. Well, I suppose that means we eat the same thing, but bugs should know not to fuck with our stuff. 

The Right to Clean Air and Water

As far as I’m concerned, if it is good enough for us then why the hell would it not be good enough for animals? Are we supposed to give tigers Brita filters? Is that what you want Bolivia?

SEE BOLIVIA! Even if we gave animals water filters they wouldn't know what to do with them.

The Right to Not Have Cellular Structure Modified or Genetically Altered

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I will let the images do the talking. Let’s just think about what the world would miss if plants and animals did not have any modification to the cells or genes:

An actual Liger, bred for its skills in magic which is evident by the outfits his handlers are wearing.

Only humans could have made it possible to be cornered by a giant killer tomato.

We know their genes have been spliced. But think about it Bolivia, this might just be animals' best chance to take over the world and get rid of us pesky humans.