All Hail our Glorious Chinese Masters

It should come as no surprise to anyone these days that China is taking over the world. They have over a billion people, cheap labor, an insurmountable mass of territory, and the political will to achieve these lofty goals. While there are some of us still clinging to the notion that somehow the Bald Eagle will be able to peck out more than two billion eyeballs, I for one do not think this is a fight worth the effort. I am embracing our new Chinese overlords. I feel that they will be fair and just masters who will supply numerous perks for us underlings. Here are just a few of the changes I see coming when the Chinese take over the world and one issue that may just put a kink in their world domination attempts.

Pandas often confuse skyscapers with bamboo sticks. I don't think there is much to be scared of, look how cute they are!

Food

For one, who doesn’t like Chinese food? Gone will be the days where Americans pick up McDonald’s on the way home from work. Gone will be the days where an American can go to the farthest stretches of civilization and somehow find a McDonald’s serving piping hot burgers made from the aboriginal peoples in the area. Who can really argue that this is a bad thing? Instead we will all bow down to the mighty panda and his delicious yet price friendly Chinese cuisine. I dare you to resist the delectability of orange chicken and lo mein noodles!

In time, we will all have to take a Panda Pledge. However our pledge will have to do more with not committing any actions detrimental to the glorious People's Republic of China.



Culture

During America’s time as controller of the world, we have seen American cultural phenomena spread in a virus-like fashion around the globe. Let’s take a moment to remember some of these cultural highlights:

Michael Jackson describing some of the foreplay he enjoyed with his monkey Bubbles.

Screw Lucy Liu bots, I want a Britney Spears bot. Before becoming a fat mother, of course.

Oh Mr. Cooper, when didn't we want to hang out?

 When the tides turn in China’s favor we will inevitably have the winner of Chinese Idol jammed down our esophaguses. While I hope for the best, this probably means we’re going to see a lot more of this guy:

Urge to kill....RISING

我們不妨習以為常口語和閱讀中文

If you can’t read that then you’re really quite screwed. In preparation of our new masters I have taken to learning their mother tongue. I recommend you do the same. You see, in doing so I am beginning the process of endearing myself to the Chinese people. This will help me to move up in their society. We must remember that the days where we can laugh at the comical old man at the Chinese restaurant who offers us ‘Flied Lice’ are numbered. This situation just won’t arise anymore because we will all be speaking in Chinese. And to make matters worse, they will laugh at us when we mess up their language. This will be especially hard for Southerners considering they can’t even speak English well enough to get by, let alone speak Chinese.     

I don't know or want to know what her secret is, but I can assume she won't be able to learn Chinese.

Clothing

Now here is the problem for me. While I have unrelenting love for our new Chinese suzerains, I have one small issue with how they are ruling. Now, I know the Chinese are out there reading this. Their spies may even be peeping at me right now determining whether or not to send a poison tipped blow dart at my neck. If you are watching me please, refrain from doing so. As I said before, my allegiance to the Chinese is uninhibited in its devotion. I only offer constructive criticism.

To the Chinese I have this to say. Americans are generally a portly bunch, me included. The reason I must parlay this information is because my girlfriend, affectionately known as Squirtle, bought me a Chicago Blackhawks jersey for Christmas.

I understand why you may be confused that I have received Christmas gifts already. You see we are pagan so we celebrate Christmas whenever we feel like it. I was ecstatic when I received the gift and had no idea it was a Chinese knockoff until she told me. The next day we went to the Blackhawks game and as I started to pull the jersey over my head I noticed this extra-large was the smallest I had ever seen. Some might say it was an extra large for Chinese people, not fat Americans.

Despite the jersey clearly stating extra-large, it fit Squirtle like a glove. So even though I may have to wait a while for another jersey, at least she will get some use out of it. Moreover, girls in hockey jerseys are sexy, so I can’t complain.

So China, listen up. We may give up our food, language, and dominance in the world. However we will never relent in our love of football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. I don’t know what sports the Chinese play, but we probably won’t like them. And if China is going to start making all of our jerseys, sell them for cheaper, and cut out the middle men, I will support you. But you better get it right. I don’t want a ‘Chinese extra-large’, I want an American extra-large. I want a Patrick Sharp jersey, not a Patrick Shap jersey.



I'm going to go ahead and assume he ordered a Gonchar jersey

And remember this China because if not, you will have a whole bunch of fat Americans coming after you.

The McRib: A National Travesty

Oh crap! I just jizzed in my pants. 

It’s that time of year again. For the past couple weeks the McRib has been causing indigestion, diarrhea and fits of vomiting all across the country. While this is no different from the digestive results of the regular McDonald’s menu, there is an exception. That being that people are actually excited to eat at McDonald’s now, instead of being sad like before.

A local McRib lover and I were having a conversation about the sandwich one day as he prepared to enjoy the meaty wonder. He told me that I just had to try it because it was indescribable. He also guaranteed that I would love it and told me to buy two.

Fast food is obviously gross. There is nothing really good about it. But when it comes to a hangover, nothing quite soaks up that queasy feeling like a cheeseburger from McDonald’s. Every now and then, some food from your favorite greasy restaurant hits the spot. There’s nothing wrong with it because it does serve a purpose. Just please don’t eat it every day. And if you do eat it every day, please don’t go out in public.

Watch those fingers, you don't want to lose one. 

McDonald’s is also a great way to help your body perform at peak efficiency. Why do you think Olympic competitors eat there?

So we’ve established that McDonald’s serve some use in the world. However, the McRib in no way can be justified by humanity. I tried one for the first time the other week because after 24 years on this earth, curiosity got to me one hungover morning. Before throwing the McRib away, I took a total of four bites. On the first bite I was taken aback by the fact that the BBQ sauce was just terrible and watery. Second bite is when I realized that despite being advertised as a flesh-based product, this meat tasted like nothing. It was unbelievably bland.

This immediately made me think that if this doesn’t even have enough pork in it to taste like pork, then what in the hell is actually in this? So intrigued by this disgusting pork sandwich, I took a couple more bites to try and pinpoint the foul tastes I was experiencing. Besides the taste of raccoon, bovine growth hormone, and third-world children (which is a normal taste in all McDonald’s items), it was hard to pinpoint what was so inexpressibly disgusting. Honestly it might be the texture. Pork wasn’t meant to be ground up and pressed together into patties. That works with chicken and beef but not with pork.

A plain McRib patty. It's like waking up next to a girl without makeup. Really makes you think.

Apparently the bones are only on the top of the McRib.

So I guess I don’t understand what the whole ruckus has been about with this McRib. As far as McDonald’s items go, in my opinion it is by far the most heinous offering. But I will not judge you McRib lovers. When you go to get your McRib I will get my double cheeseburger. We’ll both be gross together. Well, you’ll be slightly more disgusting. But I’ll let it go.