Holiday Hell

December is in full swing and unless you live in a cave you’ve probably been to the mall. Whether you were forced by your girlfriend or wife or came to the yearly realization that at some point this holiday season you will have to go, for people with Y chromosomes it is a terrible experience. 

The Entrance

The entrance to a mall is like a staging area in a quarantined hospital. You must wash when you go in and wash when you leave, for safety purposes of course. Walking into the department stores at the mall you are blasted with the olfactory overload of thousands of perfumes at the same time. The sum of which smells like thousands of old ladies are circling you in their Rascals.

If this wasn’t enough they have spray tanned people standing around sticking smelly white pieces of paper in your face.

Leather-faced lady/well groomed, fit male: Want to smell Ralph Lauren Amber Rain today?

Me: NO. Stop sticking foreign smells in my face before I stick something in yours. And believe me it will be a smelly piece of white paper that you will never forget. 

  

For as much as I hate this entire experience it serves a purpose. Quarantine in a hospital prevents diseases from getting in or out of the little area. In the mall, the chemical wash that is the perfume department prevents you from experiencing some of the less desirable aspects mall, thus allowing you to spend more money.

For one there are children everywhere. We all know children smell. That is a fact, no need to say more. Secondly, old people. In general, they have less control over their bowels than Lindsay Lohan can resist temptation at a lesbian cocaine party. This is not a good smell, Lindsay Lohan or the old people. So by jamming your nostrils full of smell, you don’t experience these elements of the mall. Lastly, the aromatic fumes we find at the entrances also get us a bit high. Ever spend too much time in a department store? Those elves come to life after a while.  

  

Old People

At this point you made it out of the department store that you didn’t even need anything from.

Deep breath to try and clear the lungs and nostrils and it’s time to move on. One store. All I need to do is get to that one store, buy the crap, bee-line for the exit.

Mentally you’re prepared to get in and get out like a heist.

Smooth and seamless like in Ocean’s 11. You’re George Clooney. Ready? Go.  

Now as soon as you start to walk you hit a wall of old ladies. Roadblock.

God, they’re slow. Okay made my way around them, time to move.

More old ladies. Roadblock.

GOD damnit! Okay, scoot by that group of old ladies, let’s go people. Man I wish it was acceptable to push old people.

Bam! Old ladies? Exactly. This is because for some reason old people find the mall to be an acceptable place to exercise. They just walk around the mall holding up every last man who wants to shop with precision. 

Old people should exercise in places where no one can see them. Because honestly, I'm not sure whether or not that man is shitting his pants.

At this point you have to resign to the fact that these ladies are ruining your chance at a heist-like shopping experience.

Jailbait

The place smells. The old people are holding you up. But finally you make it to the store you wanted to find. You buy your girl that new set of pots and pans you’ve been thinking about to remind her that ordering Chinese doesn’t constitute cooking and you’re ready to go.  But alas, on your way from the register to the door you notice a girl walking in front of you.

Damn! That girl is cute. She’s got a NICE ass!

You think about going up to her and saying hello. You did just buy pots and pans for your girl so you’re thinking it could head south after Christmas. As you debate in your head you notice her walking towards a group of high school girls.

No,don’t go there. Nooo!

Yes. After all those terrible thoughts about old people God is making sure you realize you are a dreadful person.  As she joins her friends she turns around to reveal her braces in all their glory. For most of us, the guilt, shame, and anger fill your body. 

Why is she dressed like that? Seriously, where is her father?

Why can’t I be 16 again? I don’t remember my friends looking like whores in high school. Well, except Easy Erin, Loose Lucy and Spread-Eagle Sam. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT.

My daughter is going to be a fucking nun. A FUCKING NUN!

Time to go

You’re rattled. Your head is spinning from inhaling fumes. The hoard of old people is starting to worry you because Mrs. Field’s doesn’t have a senior discount and the grumblings of riot are written on the wall. At the same time you’re trying to convince yourself you’re not a pedophile. The solution is to run. Run as fast as you can until you breathe the fresh air of the parking lot. And do not come back to the mall. At least until next year. 

The Threat Down

The last two days have been particularly gloomy here in the wonderful city of Chicago. Cloudy mornings and afternoons obscure the sun’s warmth at a time when we need it most. Persistent cold is sneaking up on us and there is no denying that the seasons are changing. As the sun progressively sets earlier the motivation for many to be outside diminishes. This is the classic Midwestern hibernation stage of the year in which we fatten up and become very pale. For some reason when we emerge in the spring, we don’t think of moving away. We may all be truly insane. 

A recent conversation at work sparked two separate emotions in me: happiness and utter fear. Okay - first the happiness. My boss came into my office to ask me if I was pursuing other jobs in the near future. Being a temp worker, this is exciting because it looks like there is a good chance I’ll be hired on soon. As the smell of my boss’ french fries wafted through the air came the impending fear that I will experience for the rest of my life. It started ever so innocently. 

My co-worker, who was also enjoying the smell of those fries, was explaining how she just wanted to go home and get into her bed and watch movies. I can’t blame her. It’s gloomy out there. The two women then started talking about Lifetime and Oxygen. 

Now a Public Service Announcement for all of my female readers. Here’s an insight into the male mind. When Lifetime or Oxygen comes up in conversation, the auditory regions of the brain shut down. Have you ever noticed you kind of have to nudge a man after you’ve been talking about a Lifetime original? That’s because he’s making his lineup for his fantasy football team, picturing lesbians in a pillow fight, or imagining how many rams he could lasso in twenty minutes.

Scientists have concluded that on average the male brain is twelve times more powerful than the female counterpart.

 

Now because of this biological adaptation the male does not know much about Lifetime and Oxygen other than to avoid them while channel surfing. We are also collectively aware of what the basic program on Lifetime entails:

• Woman is abused by her husband. She feeds him bacon everyday and waits for the heart attack.
• Woman is abused by her drunken husband. Tears ensue.
• Teenage girl is molested by a clown. She must overcome her fear of men and clowns.
• Men are evil. Men are evil. Men are evil.

These shows are downers and I don’t get why anyone would want to watch them. Now obviously this is a male perspective because the channel is quite popular amongst the ladies. However I learned more about Oxygen today. Men, we may be in trouble. For my male readers let me explain the show ‘Snapped’. Apparently this show documents the lives of women who have ‘snapped’ and killed their husbands and boyfriends. They interview the ladies in prison and talk to their family and friends. It’s a reality show that apparently is a big hit with women. The ladies in my office seem to find it ‘entertaining’ and ‘hard not to get into’. 

This is Lauren Zalaznick COO/CEO of Oxygen. I bet a few men have woke up to see her standing over them with a butcher knife.

Such a big hit it is that on Sundays while the gentlemen are in the basement watching football and ignoring wives and girlfriends, Oxygen has marathons of the show that basically demonstrates how not to get caught killing your man. It’s delicately dancing the line between a how-to educational experience and entertainment. Don’t put Drano in his soup because the cops will definitely find out. Good to know. I’m storing that in the back of my head until the next time he checks out Joan next door. It is dangerous to watch marathons about killing your boyfriend or husband. It gets you thinking. Guys do stupid stuff that annoys the ladies. For example:

• Dutch ovens
•  Leaving the toilet seat up at night so the lady gets her butt wet
• Curiosity about the back door
• The phrase ‘What’s for dinner, toots?’
• Refusing to go to the ballet because you’re so close to training the dog to say ‘Ay Ay Captain!’
• Going bald and refusing to admit it thus making your wife deal with the terrible comb-over.
• Get a prescription for Viagra. That’s a commitment many ladies may prefer to pass on. 

I have a message to the Oxygen network. Let’s tone it down. While this show may be entertaining for women, are marathons really necessary? It may just push a woman over the edge. Do you see men watching pornography marathons? No. I think that would make women just as nervous and disgusted as ‘Snapped’ makes me feel. 

For all you women out there I have a message as well. Think about this a little bit. If you kill your man, who will be your pipe-fitter? Wrestle bears away in the snow? Who will bring back raccoon pelts to warm you during the winter? Who will fish your dumb kid’s dead hamster out of the sum-pump? Exactly! A man will and he’ll do it with a smile and make the world feel good. There are also many other useful things a man can do. For more information, inquire with your local man. 

Artist's rendition of your local area man.

Men, I also have a message for us. Be vigilant for two reasons my brothers. First reason being that it is now evident that the female media is clearly brainwashing women to become man-hating lesbians hell-bent on the destruction of men. A mouthful indeed, but very dangerous. And no, these lesbians are not cool. Secondly, we have to look within. The women are converting men to join their fight against us. There are traitors at every corner. The two signs of a traitor are a man’s lack of testicles and his ability to watch Lifetime and Oxygen. They go hand in hand. If you know of a man that watches or supports Lifetime or Oxygen, please take an appropriate course to neutralize him. It’s our duty. Here is the biggest traitor of them all:

President of Oxygen Jason Klarman. He is the epitome of traitor and should be considered public enemy #1. His lack of testicles and high pitched voice should make him easy to locate.