The Threat Down

The last two days have been particularly gloomy here in the wonderful city of Chicago. Cloudy mornings and afternoons obscure the sun’s warmth at a time when we need it most. Persistent cold is sneaking up on us and there is no denying that the seasons are changing. As the sun progressively sets earlier the motivation for many to be outside diminishes. This is the classic Midwestern hibernation stage of the year in which we fatten up and become very pale. For some reason when we emerge in the spring, we don’t think of moving away. We may all be truly insane. 

A recent conversation at work sparked two separate emotions in me: happiness and utter fear. Okay - first the happiness. My boss came into my office to ask me if I was pursuing other jobs in the near future. Being a temp worker, this is exciting because it looks like there is a good chance I’ll be hired on soon. As the smell of my boss’ french fries wafted through the air came the impending fear that I will experience for the rest of my life. It started ever so innocently. 

My co-worker, who was also enjoying the smell of those fries, was explaining how she just wanted to go home and get into her bed and watch movies. I can’t blame her. It’s gloomy out there. The two women then started talking about Lifetime and Oxygen. 

Now a Public Service Announcement for all of my female readers. Here’s an insight into the male mind. When Lifetime or Oxygen comes up in conversation, the auditory regions of the brain shut down. Have you ever noticed you kind of have to nudge a man after you’ve been talking about a Lifetime original? That’s because he’s making his lineup for his fantasy football team, picturing lesbians in a pillow fight, or imagining how many rams he could lasso in twenty minutes.

Scientists have concluded that on average the male brain is twelve times more powerful than the female counterpart.

 

Now because of this biological adaptation the male does not know much about Lifetime and Oxygen other than to avoid them while channel surfing. We are also collectively aware of what the basic program on Lifetime entails:

• Woman is abused by her husband. She feeds him bacon everyday and waits for the heart attack.
• Woman is abused by her drunken husband. Tears ensue.
• Teenage girl is molested by a clown. She must overcome her fear of men and clowns.
• Men are evil. Men are evil. Men are evil.

These shows are downers and I don’t get why anyone would want to watch them. Now obviously this is a male perspective because the channel is quite popular amongst the ladies. However I learned more about Oxygen today. Men, we may be in trouble. For my male readers let me explain the show ‘Snapped’. Apparently this show documents the lives of women who have ‘snapped’ and killed their husbands and boyfriends. They interview the ladies in prison and talk to their family and friends. It’s a reality show that apparently is a big hit with women. The ladies in my office seem to find it ‘entertaining’ and ‘hard not to get into’. 

This is Lauren Zalaznick COO/CEO of Oxygen. I bet a few men have woke up to see her standing over them with a butcher knife.

Such a big hit it is that on Sundays while the gentlemen are in the basement watching football and ignoring wives and girlfriends, Oxygen has marathons of the show that basically demonstrates how not to get caught killing your man. It’s delicately dancing the line between a how-to educational experience and entertainment. Don’t put Drano in his soup because the cops will definitely find out. Good to know. I’m storing that in the back of my head until the next time he checks out Joan next door. It is dangerous to watch marathons about killing your boyfriend or husband. It gets you thinking. Guys do stupid stuff that annoys the ladies. For example:

• Dutch ovens
•  Leaving the toilet seat up at night so the lady gets her butt wet
• Curiosity about the back door
• The phrase ‘What’s for dinner, toots?’
• Refusing to go to the ballet because you’re so close to training the dog to say ‘Ay Ay Captain!’
• Going bald and refusing to admit it thus making your wife deal with the terrible comb-over.
• Get a prescription for Viagra. That’s a commitment many ladies may prefer to pass on. 

I have a message to the Oxygen network. Let’s tone it down. While this show may be entertaining for women, are marathons really necessary? It may just push a woman over the edge. Do you see men watching pornography marathons? No. I think that would make women just as nervous and disgusted as ‘Snapped’ makes me feel. 

For all you women out there I have a message as well. Think about this a little bit. If you kill your man, who will be your pipe-fitter? Wrestle bears away in the snow? Who will bring back raccoon pelts to warm you during the winter? Who will fish your dumb kid’s dead hamster out of the sum-pump? Exactly! A man will and he’ll do it with a smile and make the world feel good. There are also many other useful things a man can do. For more information, inquire with your local man. 

Artist's rendition of your local area man.

Men, I also have a message for us. Be vigilant for two reasons my brothers. First reason being that it is now evident that the female media is clearly brainwashing women to become man-hating lesbians hell-bent on the destruction of men. A mouthful indeed, but very dangerous. And no, these lesbians are not cool. Secondly, we have to look within. The women are converting men to join their fight against us. There are traitors at every corner. The two signs of a traitor are a man’s lack of testicles and his ability to watch Lifetime and Oxygen. They go hand in hand. If you know of a man that watches or supports Lifetime or Oxygen, please take an appropriate course to neutralize him. It’s our duty. Here is the biggest traitor of them all:

President of Oxygen Jason Klarman. He is the epitome of traitor and should be considered public enemy #1. His lack of testicles and high pitched voice should make him easy to locate.