A Bone to Pick with Bolivia

I have a bone to pick with Bolivia. Now it’s true that this is my first tiff with Bolivians but it is an important one nonetheless. Bolivia is on the brink of passing the ‘Law of Mother Earth’ legislation which endears Mother Earth with the same rights as humans. Read about it here.

The language of the law includes the following rights: the right to life and to exist; the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration; the right to pure water and clean air; and the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered.

Let’s break down what some are calling a ‘groundbreaking’ law and show why the Bolivians are making a boneheaded policy choice. 

The Right to Life and to Exist

I wholeheartedly agree that animals and plants have the right to life and to exist. Koalas, jaguars, lions, cows, yaks, flowers, and trees are all important aspects of the earth. Yet, they are also extremely delicious. 

Now this seems like a panda that wants to exist.

 Unfortunately for these creatures they don’t have opposable thumbs, metallurgy skills to make guns, swords, or machetes, and they are not privy to the fact that humans don’t like them around. Look, no one feels bad for the squirrel that gets hit by a car after staring at it for a full minute before deciding to move. It had plenty of time to move. Animals, you have to fight for your right…to party…wait, no I mean…to exist. 

The Right to Continue Vital Cycles and Processes Free From Human Alteration

This one is completely ridiculous. If animals have the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration, then humans should have the right to continue their vital cycles and processes free from animal alteration. Until humans have that right, then animals shouldn’t have it either. For example, why should I have my beautiful walk down the street marred by squirrels trying to fuck on telephone poles? Not only are they showing their disgusting admiration of exhibitionism, but they are also just plain showing off. 

Moreover, why should millions of humans be forced to have sex whilst some perverted dog watches? Or worse, the millions of humans who have had dogs try to get in on the action? Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. Why should humans endure the bugs that decide it’s a good idea to eat our crops? Is that not an affront to our vital cycles? You don’t see humans eating whatever the fuck it is that bugs eat. Well, I suppose that means we eat the same thing, but bugs should know not to fuck with our stuff. 

The Right to Clean Air and Water

As far as I’m concerned, if it is good enough for us then why the hell would it not be good enough for animals? Are we supposed to give tigers Brita filters? Is that what you want Bolivia?

SEE BOLIVIA! Even if we gave animals water filters they wouldn't know what to do with them.

The Right to Not Have Cellular Structure Modified or Genetically Altered

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I will let the images do the talking. Let’s just think about what the world would miss if plants and animals did not have any modification to the cells or genes:

An actual Liger, bred for its skills in magic which is evident by the outfits his handlers are wearing.

Only humans could have made it possible to be cornered by a giant killer tomato.

We know their genes have been spliced. But think about it Bolivia, this might just be animals' best chance to take over the world and get rid of us pesky humans.

Solving More of the World's Problems

I am a man of solutions. When I see a problem, I find a solution. So it is no wonder I am at it again. Since the government has told me to cease sending them my ‘outrageous’ opinions or risk the consequences, I will share them with you. 

The problem I see is one unique to the city. When I take the train downtown for work, I get a good tour of some different neighborhoods along the way. If you didn’t know any better, you would swear that you were passing through Kiev just after the wall came down. The glum, dirty landscape can’t help but make you think about what you take for granted. 

I began to think that someone should really clean up these poor, dirty neighborhoods. It would boost morale for these people a little bit (but not too much we don’t want anyone to get any ideas and revolt). Everyone feels better and energized when they are working or living in a tidy space. 

The solution is simple. Goats. Now I know the first thing you were thinking is that it is inhumane to put goats in these poor neighborhoods to attract el chupacabra who can then eliminate the litterers. That’s really not where I was going, but I’m happy my readers have el chupacabra on the mind…you always have to be on the lookout.

Could you imagine this thing pouncing on a guy who throws a Jolly Rancher wrapper on the ground? Sweet!

But seriously, goats will eat anything! Have you seen the episode of Andrew Zimmern where he has an exotic food eat-off with a goat? While that may have been something I imagined after eating a strange flower, the message is still the same: the goat won. 

Andrew Zimmern ordering indigenous boys to find him more testicles to eat.

So if we release a small flotilla of goats into these dirty neighborhoods the tires, plastic bags, condoms, food wrappers, and old pornography will be gone in a year. I personally guarantee it. 

Personal Guarantee valid in Estonia, Latvia, and the Czech Republic.

As with all my plans there is an added bonus. It’s similar to when they offer you double the quantity of Sham-Wow products for the same low, low price.

With all these goats wandering around the city, an added food source for poor people is now easily available. This will allow the government to cut food stamps without the guilt of knowing they screwed over the poor (we all know that is the last thing they would ever do).  

This government issued guide will help people to properly take advantage of all the supreme tastiness a goat has to offer.

 In essence, goats will be the key to cleaning up the inner city, economic revival, and political healing. I’m starting to feel like this platform could have defeated Rahm Emmanuel in the mayoral race. Either way, we have to look forward and not to past hypothetical situations. I just want to say, “You’re welcome America, I knew you couldn’t do it without me.” 

This goat may save America's livelihood. Honor him by cooking him savory.

Senior Moments

What do you say to someone who asks you how to type numbers on a keyboard? This came up today as I sat reading my book at work. Yes, today is a slow day.

As the situation unraveled, I assumed I was witnessing a person having a 'moment'. I've done that myself so I wasn't quick to pass judgement, even though a man of my stature could do so unabated.

For example, I once complained to our doorman at work that all of the escalators were going down and I needed to get to the fifth floor. He quickly yelled a man's name into his walkie talkie and said What the HELL is going on? As we walked toward the escalator it became painfully obvious to both of us that some escalators were going up and some down. With my hand on my face and shame bulging out my back pocket I apologized and told him I must be having one of those days. We laughed it off and I went to work wondering just how much damage I did to my brain in college.

However the circumstances today were just a bit different. Generally speaking when you have a moment it is so embarassing that once you realize your momentary lapse of reason, you can't help but laugh at yourself. After she asked me the ridiculous question, I stood speechless over the lady's desk. All I could muster up as a response was Uhhhhhhhhh and I pointed at the numbers on the keyboard. She looked, obliged, put in her numbers, and said Thank you.

There was no Ooooooh or Oh my lord it's right there or any other indication that she had previously known this answer but had a mental impasse. This lady was somehow a director of a daycare/school, and had first used a computer on this day March 4, 2011 in my office. I feel that it is an honor that I could be part of something so important. I may have to take her aside and call the World Historical Society and see if she'll count as the ninth wonder of the world. 

Normally this is one of those times where I call on evolution to act swiftly, deftly, and with malice towards this person. However, the more I thought about it the more I think this lady is valuable. You see if humans are to survive when an asteroid hits earth, we will need a good number of people who are genetically predisposed to living under rocks. For that reason alone we should keep her around. Everyone serves a purpose, this lady is just completely useless in this day and age.