Holiday Gift Follies

The Holidays are approaching and we all know what this time of year signifies. It has nothing to do with Jesus, God, Hanukkah, or confusion over Kwanzaa. The Holidays mean rampant commercialism and an unbridled desire for inanimate objects whose immediate satisfaction seems to dim so quickly. Now that I’ve made some of you sad, I will stop being a Grinch and get to the point. While excitement invariably ensues when you do receive a truly wonderful and thoughtful gift, there are also those moments when you receive a gift and subsequently mentally curse that person and their family.

When you gift someone something nice and they give you CD with three tracks on it that still has the $2.99 price tag (this has actually happened to me before), you kind of wish their car goes careening off an icy cliff on the way home. So to prevent my readers from receiving voodoo threats from myself or other family members, I’ve compiled a list of six gifts never to give to loved ones and only to those people you really hate.

Electronic Baseball Score Tracker

Compare

The first gift we have is an electronic baseball score tracker that uses Wifi. Now let’s just ignore the fact that baseball scores are available on your Smartphone, laptop, desktop computer, iPod, and ESPN. What is most disturbing about the product is that the technology looks like something right out of the 1980’s. I’ve actually seen McDonald’s electronic toys with the same crappy display system. So for the baseball fan that doesn’t have cable, a computer, or any other piece of technology post 1970 in their house, please by all means spend one hundred plus dollars on this outdated travesty.

And contrast. 

Bicygnals 

I am a casual cyclist. I enjoy cycling around my neighborhood and through the forest paths in the nearby suburbs. However, I am not delusional. Cycling is not a glamour sport that brings you much respect. In fact, Americans really hate cyclists. Countless are the times that I’ve heard terrible things yelled in my direction as I use my share of the pavement. I’ve even been run off the road by meat-head truck drivers who find malevolent joy in slowly swerving in my direction until I have to jump the curb onto the sidewalk for dear life. So I do know the challenges cyclists face on the road every day. However this next product does not help the situation. 

The creators of ‘bicygnals’ have found a way to make cyclists look dumber, look geekier, and become more of a target on the road. Bicygnals are the perfect gift for the cyclist you want attention drawn to, and ultimately to end up under the chassis of a Dodge Ram.

USB Cooler

The USB beverage cooler is the peak of conspicuous consumption. This device serves no true purpose for anyone. Every office has a refrigerator. Every home has a refrigerator. Why would anyone need a miniature refrigerator next to their computer? The only guess I could venture would be World of Warcraft players because they epitomize the third of the seven deadly sins: sloth. And if anyone reading does play World of Warcraft, please castrate yourself promptly. Under no circumstances can our country afford another generation of useless keyboard jockeys.  

Harry Potter TV Wand

Harry Potter is all the rage again as the release of the final movie airs around the globe. Like a heroin addict who has one last dance with Mr. Brownstone before entering rehab, companies are trying to cash in on Harry Potter for what will most likely be the last time. This wonderful product caught my interest.

My advice is to get the Harry Potter television remote wand for the son of one of your Right-Wing Christian friends. Not just any Right-Wing Christian but the man you really dislike because he claims gays are Satan in the flesh and that Sarah Palin is a qualified person to run the country. His son will prance around the living room lightly flicking his wrist to change channels and all the meanwhile his father will stew in anger as he is forced to consider sending his son to one of those straight camps.

Peekaru

One of my favorite terrible gifts is the peekaru. This sweater is designed to fit over a baby holding apparatus with a cute hole for your little parasite’s face. Oh how wonderful! It keeps mommy and baby warm! Plus mommy doesn’t have to hold her fat baby!  

While this product may appear cute to soon-to-be mommies, to me it is something born out of someone’s nightmare. It immediately reminded me of this scene:

I hope that the producers of Alien will file an intellectual properties claim against the creators of this outrage in the near future.   

Just a Drop

The final gift I’ve found is one we can all relate to. We have all walked in the bathroom and been met with a terrible smell. Not just the normal smell of an adult bowel movement. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the smell of congealing, rotting proteins that have been fermenting for hours in the warm gut of an overweight middle-aged person and subsequently been plunged into the world like an evil spirit escaping from Hades. I think we all have a better picture now. The smell that stops you in your tracts. The smell that makes you wonder whether God even cares about you.

Just eat a drop less tuna and maybe you won't stink the bathroom up like the wharf. 

This product is made for the person in your family or at your office whose bowel movements make you question the abilities of the human body. Just drop one of the tablets into the toilet before use and the smell is neutralized. It’s the polite way to tell someone that they should really consider a change in diet. 

A Case of the Mondays

I think I have a case of the Mondays. While I absolutely hate that expression, it is fitting today. I’m tired, bored, and there is currently a condescending bitch standing in front of me. She is treating my co-worker like a child. I really don’t like this lady. It’s taking all of my strength not to stand up, fill her mouth with formaldehyde, and send her to the Smithsonian with a caption reading ‘World’s Largest Cunt’. 

As I sit here with nothing to do but listen to these ladies go back and forth I thought of a few places/scenarios that I would rather be in than a Monday workday.

A Closet Full of Testy Monkeys

I’ve always admired Jane Goodall’s work on the social structure of monkey life. While I could not commit to living in the jungle with them for years, I would be willing to study what would happen if you locked thirteen unusually angry monkeys in a closet with me, an eager scientist.

My hypothesis: I would connect with the monkeys on a deeper level. The monkeys would gain respect for me as their intellectual superior and bow to my leadership. With the monkeys on my side, I would establish a pickpockting scheme in Las Vegas. The monkeys get bananas and top shelf whiskey, I get gambling money and strippers.  

My associates are never late with the cash.

Totally better than a Monday workday.

 Tom Cruise’s Basement

Unless you’re a scientologist, you are aware that Tom Cruise is one of the most delusional people to ever walk this Earth. I wouldn’t be surprised if he saw himself as some sort of prophet. He thinks he is right about everything.  

Now mix in the fact that Mr. Cruise is extremely dim-witted. He is a practitioner of Scientology, I remind you. Among many other ridiculous things, this man actually believes that evil alien spirits are the cause of suffering in this world and his special instruments and saunas have the ability to cleanse the soul of the evil aliens. That’s not even smart by religion’s standards. 

If you’ve ever noticed in television interviews he gets really angry when he’s proven wrong. That’s part of his delusion. That’s also partly because most of the people that surround Cruise are scared to disagree with him. Those who have disagreed end up in his basement complex where they are forced to repeatedly listen to audio recordings of Dianetics followed by screenings of Battlefield Earth until their will is broken down. In a last tortuous swoop, prisoners of Tom Cruise’s basement are made to watch Knight and Day. This is the tragic end for the hundreds of people who disagree with Cruise each year. 

Cruise in his confused/angry stage. This precedes an explosion of anger in which you end up chained to the wall in his basement.

Still better than a Monday workday.   

The Elephant House

Elephants are the largest of the land creatures we find here on earth. In the wild they roam miles and miles through territorial and migratory lands. So what gave us the idea that it was alright to put them in a building for a good portion of the year? And when we did, why didn’t zoologists veto this absurd idea? This argument can be made for most wild animals, I know. 

If I were you I'd spray water at pregnant mothers with your trunk. Otherwise their babies will come back in a couple years and throw little hot wax elephants at you.

But have you seen the amount of feces an elephant makes? Yeah, let’s not keep that inside. Generally speaking I refuse to go in Pachyderm houses at the zoo because the smell is overwhelming. I’m not one of those prissy city people by any means. I enjoy nature and all of its odoriferous qualities. But concentrated animal shit is not something I willingly put up with the see a three ton animal stuffed into a ‘habitat’ the size of my apartment junior year of college.

Stay free, animal brother. And maybe deuce in that little car so they know what it's like to be in a small area with a large amount of feces.

But in this case, I’d rather smell fecal matter for eight hours than come to work.  

Church

I was born and raised Roman Catholic. I went to Catholic schools literally my entire life. This entailed Catholic grammar school, high school, and almost seven years and two degrees at the college level. This institution has been trying to indoctrinate me for over twenty years and can’t get me to show up for Sunday mass. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, it’s just that I don’t believe in illogical bedtime stories. 

I wish Jesus had raves at my Church on Sundays. I'd even consider not watching football.

Every time I am in Church I feel like I’m part of a cult. Stand up, sit down, stand up, kneel, talk in unison, stand up, don’t worry eat this, drink the red stuff, talk in unison, shake hands, kneel, sing like you’re part of a zombie chorus, sit down, talk in unison. See you next week. Luckily up until now the wine hasn't been poisoned with arsenic or something of the like.

Taking everything into consideration, I’d rather take that chance and eat a little Jesus wafer instead of going to work Monday morning.

Smartphone, Will You Marry Me?

The smartphone. There are many words that can describe it: magnificent, groundbreaking, useful, and in some cases even lifesaving. It is truly a harbinger of the technology to come. It seems that this may very well change the way humans interact socially. With the touch of a finger you can not only speak to but see your contact in live video. We can now more easily network with humans across the globe even if we have no other motive than to strike up a nonchalant chat.  

It also changes the way we consume information and even allows us to consume more information than ever before. We could be the most well-informed public in the history of this country. Yet our access to endless information most likely means that we will look up more pornography than usual or keep a better tab on the Kardashian’s daily movements. However, we do live in America and it is your god given, constitutionally assured right to be violently ignorant if you so choose. 



Enjoy the attention while it lasts. Those things will sag like a hammock holding a fat man.



Now much can be said about the smartphone however there are only two ways we can describe the smartphone user: Sane User or Insane User. I may ruffle some feathers with this one, but I notice this every day. For those of you reading who may fall into my latter category, it must be said. Let me explain.

Cellular phones, as they used to be known as, became economically viable for most people in the early 2000s. I remember getting my first cell phone in 2002. As cell phones became more pervasive in our cities, unwritten social rules came to be.

For example, if out with friends and a phone call came through it was obviously alright to answer it. A brief phone call isn’t really rude considering everyone does it. The call explaining how to turn on the DVD player, invite a friend, procure some ecstasy, order a pizza, or to get a cab isn’t rude. These are social norms.

But if you had to actually hold a conversation, most people would excuse themselves for the duration of the call. Let’s be honest, no one wants to hear half of your conversation with your whiny girlfriend about how she asked you to pick her up tampons at the store. You obviously refused (good choice by the way) and none of us want to hear the fight while sitting on the back porch.  

But the smartphone changed all of this. Now we need a new set of social rules. Only this time I am writing them down. You’re all welcome.



You look like a douchebag. There's no app for that.



Because so many of us essentially have computers in our pockets – which by the way will inevitably cause every male to be sterile – there’s a lot more we can do with them. But just because you can watch a Japanese dominatrix slap a man in the face while on the bus to a sex shop, doesn’t mean you should. 

 For example these actions will get you into the category of Sane User:

• When in social situations, use your internet browsing capabilities in a relevant manner. Look up a video someone hasn’t seen so that they can be brought into the conversation more fully. Make sure your use is altruistic. Everyone gets something from it.  
• In social settings generally limit your internet usage. No one is saying you can’t use it. I like to check the score to the game, see if anyone responded to my ever so witty facebook/twitter status, and what the weather is going to be like.
• Use in private as an extension of your computer.
• Use in private as an organizer, alarm clock, whatever else it does.

Now this is very simple people. It’s called not being a complete jackass. This is all you need to do to avoid the Insane User category of smartphone users. And to clarify, social situations do not include the bus or the train. Bus people and train people don’t count because we all know that nobody really wants anything to do with these people. You are barely a person when on a bus. Everyone is just a body sharing the same body transportation device as a bunch of other bodies.

However no matter how easy it is for most of us not to be an Insane User, people still excel at it. Here are my major gripes with smartphone users:

• Facebook friend someone you just met at the bar and are currently talking to. Wait for request. This is overly social.
• Have full blown conversations with people in Kazakhstan via the latest social networking site. Ignore people two feet away from you.  This is anti-social.
• Not notice the attractive man/girl sitting at the bar as you post to Facebook about how you really need to find a partner. Again, anti-social.
• FourSquare. Really? I need to know you are at Petsmart? Maybe. But that’s only if I’m coming to kill you. Overly social.
• Checking email. You used to be okay just checking your email every ten minutes while at home. Now it’s every ten minutes for the rest of your life. Congratulations, you are insane.

Simple rules for a very complex piece of electronics that most likely caused the death of a few Africans in the Congo. Didn’t know that? Check it out on your smartphone http://bit.ly/d5KSGQ.

Seriously Now

I want to be completely honest and serious right now. I wrote this because I see these people every day in almost every place you can think of. People are literally sucked right out of reality into this little three inch by five inch rectangle. Sometimes when I look at a group of four or five people at the bar or entire families in a restaurant who simultaneously are looking at their iPhones, I secretly wish I was $teve Jobs. After a second, I am glad I’m not one of the men responsible for making people boring. Because we have all this crap at our fingertips, normal social interaction is becoming blasé for some.  Because we have all this crap at our fingertips, people take other people’s company for granted. But for those of you who find yourselves in this situation, don’t worry. Your smartphone will always be your friend.

For more:

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