The Holidays are approaching and we all know what this time of year signifies. It has nothing to do with Jesus, God, Hanukkah, or confusion over Kwanzaa. The Holidays mean rampant commercialism and an unbridled desire for inanimate objects whose immediate satisfaction seems to dim so quickly. Now that I’ve made some of you sad, I will stop being a Grinch and get to the point. While excitement invariably ensues when you do receive a truly wonderful and thoughtful gift, there are also those moments when you receive a gift and subsequently mentally curse that person and their family.
When you gift someone something nice and they give you CD with three tracks on it that still has the $2.99 price tag (this has actually happened to me before), you kind of wish their car goes careening off an icy cliff on the way home. So to prevent my readers from receiving voodoo threats from myself or other family members, I’ve compiled a list of six gifts never to give to loved ones and only to those people you really hate.
Electronic Baseball Score Tracker
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The first gift we have is an electronic baseball score tracker that uses Wifi. Now let’s just ignore the fact that baseball scores are available on your Smartphone, laptop, desktop computer, iPod, and ESPN. What is most disturbing about the product is that the technology looks like something right out of the 1980’s. I’ve actually seen McDonald’s electronic toys with the same crappy display system. So for the baseball fan that doesn’t have cable, a computer, or any other piece of technology post 1970 in their house, please by all means spend one hundred plus dollars on this outdated travesty.
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I am a casual cyclist. I enjoy cycling around my neighborhood and through the forest paths in the nearby suburbs. However, I am not delusional. Cycling is not a glamour sport that brings you much respect. In fact, Americans really hate cyclists. Countless are the times that I’ve heard terrible things yelled in my direction as I use my share of the pavement. I’ve even been run off the road by meat-head truck drivers who find malevolent joy in slowly swerving in my direction until I have to jump the curb onto the sidewalk for dear life. So I do know the challenges cyclists face on the road every day. However this next product does not help the situation.
The creators of ‘bicygnals’ have found a way to make cyclists look dumber, look geekier, and become more of a target on the road. Bicygnals are the perfect gift for the cyclist you want attention drawn to, and ultimately to end up under the chassis of a Dodge Ram.
USB Cooler
The USB beverage cooler is the peak of conspicuous consumption. This device serves no true purpose for anyone. Every office has a refrigerator. Every home has a refrigerator. Why would anyone need a miniature refrigerator next to their computer? The only guess I could venture would be World of Warcraft players because they epitomize the third of the seven deadly sins: sloth. And if anyone reading does play World of Warcraft, please castrate yourself promptly. Under no circumstances can our country afford another generation of useless keyboard jockeys.
Harry Potter TV Wand
Harry Potter is all the rage again as the release of the final movie airs around the globe. Like a heroin addict who has one last dance with Mr. Brownstone before entering rehab, companies are trying to cash in on Harry Potter for what will most likely be the last time. This wonderful product caught my interest.
My advice is to get the Harry Potter television remote wand for the son of one of your Right-Wing Christian friends. Not just any Right-Wing Christian but the man you really dislike because he claims gays are Satan in the flesh and that Sarah Palin is a qualified person to run the country. His son will prance around the living room lightly flicking his wrist to change channels and all the meanwhile his father will stew in anger as he is forced to consider sending his son to one of those straight camps.
Peekaru
One of my favorite terrible gifts is the peekaru. This sweater is designed to fit over a baby holding apparatus with a cute hole for your little parasite’s face. Oh how wonderful! It keeps mommy and baby warm! Plus mommy doesn’t have to hold her fat baby!
While this product may appear cute to soon-to-be mommies, to me it is something born out of someone’s nightmare. It immediately reminded me of this scene:
I hope that the producers of Alien will file an intellectual properties claim against the creators of this outrage in the near future.
Just a Drop
The final gift I’ve found is one we can all relate to. We have all walked in the bathroom and been met with a terrible smell. Not just the normal smell of an adult bowel movement. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the smell of congealing, rotting proteins that have been fermenting for hours in the warm gut of an overweight middle-aged person and subsequently been plunged into the world like an evil spirit escaping from Hades. I think we all have a better picture now. The smell that stops you in your tracts. The smell that makes you wonder whether God even cares about you.
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| Just eat a drop less tuna and maybe you won't stink the bathroom up like the wharf. |
This product is made for the person in your family or at your office whose bowel movements make you question the abilities of the human body. Just drop one of the tablets into the toilet before use and the smell is neutralized. It’s the polite way to tell someone that they should really consider a change in diet.
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