Resolutions

The time between Christmas and New Year’s Day is one of reflection for most people. Many aspects of the holiday season can cause you to analyze your own life and how it could be better. It may be the grotesque amount of money spent on Chinese tinker toys for the little parasites in your family that spurs you to consider thriftiness in the coming year. Possibly the terribly boring travel stories Aunt Gertrude has to tell have you and your wife itching to take a vacation that is worth talking about. Or it could have been the magical moment when you gave birth to that six-pound poo baby Christmas night that convinced you to stop eating so much. Whatever the stimulus, most people are making resolutions for the coming year. I thought I would share mine with you.

Reducing my Carbon Footprint

Of all the buzzwords used over the past couple years I believe going green is one of the most pervasive. Most buzzwords make me want to instantly castrate the person who uses it so I can, at the very least, isolate the stupidity and remove it from our gene pool. Anyone who actually uses ‘viral video’ or ‘that video went viral’ deserves such a fate. Did the video start infecting people like Ebola monkeys flinging poo at a zoo? No. A lot of fucking people watched the video, so you should probably just say that.

But as buzzwords go, going green makes me only slightly angry. Going green makes sense. Green is better than pretty much everything. Greenbacks are better than silver coins.  Green eggs and ham are much tastier than eggs and ham while not tripping on LSD. Green grass bests Kentucky Blue Grass because we all know Kentuckians are just a little too lax on the issue of cousin-lovin’. While some folks may not be opposed to this (like the Mighty Kohndor), most people north of the Mason-Dixon Line won’t tolerate it.

Going green irks me when people falsely believe they are doing something beneficial for themselves and the environment. The yuppy hippy fuck in Whole Foods who chooses the cheese made sustainably in Vermont and drives it home in his SUV makes me angry. Not because he drives an SUV, but because he’ll tell all his friends about how wonderful of a person he is for buying this cheese and ignore the fact that he lives alone with his wife in a subdivision yet somehow needs a car that’s used in Mexico to transport troops.

My goal this year is to set higher standards for those people out there who want to go green. I want to be the example that everyone turns to. I want to meet Anderson Cooper and have a three-minute bit on CNN Heroes. Is that too much to ask?

Anderson Cooper once killed 300 terrorist babies with his bare hands, making him the first CNN Hero.

My plan to reduce my carbon footprint is simple. First, as we all know our food chain is one of the largest culprits in the degradation of nature. Most of the fruits we eat are far more travelled than Marco Polo himself. And when I think about the thousands of thousands of animals herded in massive meat ranches, I can’t help but wonder where all that excrement goes. No matter the answer, that probably is not a healthy place.

Having said this, my plan is simply to eat local. There are plenty of food sources that are close to my home. I live in Illinois, the land of deer, corn, and soybeans. One would think I shouldn’t have to go far to get a good local meal.

Well it is not as easy as I thought. Remember, resolutions are never easy and if you pick an easy one then you are truly a douche. You’re the guy at the office who brags to the three hundred pound man about how you fulfilled your resolution to lose five pounds. Once again, for emphasis of course, these people are douches. But I digress.

The reason eating local as I described is not easy is because I truly do not live in Illinois. I live in Chicago. And we all know that Illinois is filled with inbred yokels that are to be avoided at all costs. Chicago is where you find people who have an aura of regalia surrounding them, people you would want to meet because they don’t want to know the pig they just ate was named Gerald. That’s class.

At some point, in a lapse of judgment Chicagoans gave up the food supply to those tractor-riding southerners. Since we all know that these southerners are to be avoided at all costs, my plan to eat local must adapt like the crafty chameleon. That is why in the New Year I will begin urban hunting. There is a plethora of squirrel, raccoon, possum, sparrow, and domesticated feline for everyone.

The more I think about squirrel stew, the more I want to grow a goatee and buy camo. 

One must remember possums are crass, conceited creatures that deserve to be eaten.

While the meat is gamey, there are numerous savory recipes that explode with flavor and will make your family wonder how they ever got by without yard meat. For the health nut, a strictly yard meat diet will make bowel movements come to a screeching halt allowing your body to suck all the nutritional goodness from the blue jay, crow or rabbit of your choice. My carbon footprint will be reduced enough to offset most of my neighbors and I assume the book deals, interviews, and awards will start rolling in.

What I truly hope for is the opportunity to share my ample knowledge of environmental awareness with other experts in a public forum to raise awareness.

Imagine how we could change the world if my environmental expertise was mixed with Ludacris and Tommy Lee's.

To all my readers, I wish the best of luck out there in the societal jungle this New Year. Remember my wise words: Don’t become a statistic. Especially a rare one like drowning in a toilet, your name will surely be attached to that.