The McRib: A National Travesty

Oh crap! I just jizzed in my pants. 

It’s that time of year again. For the past couple weeks the McRib has been causing indigestion, diarrhea and fits of vomiting all across the country. While this is no different from the digestive results of the regular McDonald’s menu, there is an exception. That being that people are actually excited to eat at McDonald’s now, instead of being sad like before.

A local McRib lover and I were having a conversation about the sandwich one day as he prepared to enjoy the meaty wonder. He told me that I just had to try it because it was indescribable. He also guaranteed that I would love it and told me to buy two.

Fast food is obviously gross. There is nothing really good about it. But when it comes to a hangover, nothing quite soaks up that queasy feeling like a cheeseburger from McDonald’s. Every now and then, some food from your favorite greasy restaurant hits the spot. There’s nothing wrong with it because it does serve a purpose. Just please don’t eat it every day. And if you do eat it every day, please don’t go out in public.

Watch those fingers, you don't want to lose one. 

McDonald’s is also a great way to help your body perform at peak efficiency. Why do you think Olympic competitors eat there?

So we’ve established that McDonald’s serve some use in the world. However, the McRib in no way can be justified by humanity. I tried one for the first time the other week because after 24 years on this earth, curiosity got to me one hungover morning. Before throwing the McRib away, I took a total of four bites. On the first bite I was taken aback by the fact that the BBQ sauce was just terrible and watery. Second bite is when I realized that despite being advertised as a flesh-based product, this meat tasted like nothing. It was unbelievably bland.

This immediately made me think that if this doesn’t even have enough pork in it to taste like pork, then what in the hell is actually in this? So intrigued by this disgusting pork sandwich, I took a couple more bites to try and pinpoint the foul tastes I was experiencing. Besides the taste of raccoon, bovine growth hormone, and third-world children (which is a normal taste in all McDonald’s items), it was hard to pinpoint what was so inexpressibly disgusting. Honestly it might be the texture. Pork wasn’t meant to be ground up and pressed together into patties. That works with chicken and beef but not with pork.

A plain McRib patty. It's like waking up next to a girl without makeup. Really makes you think.

Apparently the bones are only on the top of the McRib.

So I guess I don’t understand what the whole ruckus has been about with this McRib. As far as McDonald’s items go, in my opinion it is by far the most heinous offering. But I will not judge you McRib lovers. When you go to get your McRib I will get my double cheeseburger. We’ll both be gross together. Well, you’ll be slightly more disgusting. But I’ll let it go.