The smartphone. There are many words that can describe it: magnificent, groundbreaking, useful, and in some cases even lifesaving. It is truly a harbinger of the technology to come. It seems that this may very well change the way humans interact socially. With the touch of a finger you can not only speak to but see your contact in live video. We can now more easily network with humans across the globe even if we have no other motive than to strike up a nonchalant chat.
It also changes the way we consume information and even allows us to consume more information than ever before. We could be the most well-informed public in the history of this country. Yet our access to endless information most likely means that we will look up more pornography than usual or keep a better tab on the Kardashian’s daily movements. However, we do live in America and it is your god given, constitutionally assured right to be violently ignorant if you so choose.
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| Enjoy the attention while it lasts. Those things will sag like a hammock holding a fat man. |
Now much can be said about the smartphone however there are only two ways we can describe the smartphone user: Sane User or Insane User. I may ruffle some feathers with this one, but I notice this every day. For those of you reading who may fall into my latter category, it must be said. Let me explain.
Cellular phones, as they used to be known as, became economically viable for most people in the early 2000s. I remember getting my first cell phone in 2002. As cell phones became more pervasive in our cities, unwritten social rules came to be.
For example, if out with friends and a phone call came through it was obviously alright to answer it. A brief phone call isn’t really rude considering everyone does it. The call explaining how to turn on the DVD player, invite a friend, procure some ecstasy, order a pizza, or to get a cab isn’t rude. These are social norms.
But if you had to actually hold a conversation, most people would excuse themselves for the duration of the call. Let’s be honest, no one wants to hear half of your conversation with your whiny girlfriend about how she asked you to pick her up tampons at the store. You obviously refused (good choice by the way) and none of us want to hear the fight while sitting on the back porch.
But the smartphone changed all of this. Now we need a new set of social rules. Only this time I am writing them down. You’re all welcome.
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| You look like a douchebag. There's no app for that. |
Because so many of us essentially have computers in our pockets – which by the way will inevitably cause every male to be sterile – there’s a lot more we can do with them. But just because you can watch a Japanese dominatrix slap a man in the face while on the bus to a sex shop, doesn’t mean you should.
For example these actions will get you into the category of Sane User:
- When in social situations, use your internet browsing capabilities in a relevant manner. Look up a video someone hasn’t seen so that they can be brought into the conversation more fully. Make sure your use is altruistic. Everyone gets something from it.
- In social settings generally limit your internet usage. No one is saying you can’t use it. I like to check the score to the game, see if anyone responded to my ever so witty facebook/twitter status, and what the weather is going to be like.
- Use in private as an extension of your computer.
- Use in private as an organizer, alarm clock, whatever else it does.
Now this is very simple people. It’s called not being a complete jackass. This is all you need to do to avoid the Insane User category of smartphone users. And to clarify, social situations do not include the bus or the train. Bus people and train people don’t count because we all know that nobody really wants anything to do with these people. You are barely a person when on a bus. Everyone is just a body sharing the same body transportation device as a bunch of other bodies.
However no matter how easy it is for most of us not to be an Insane User, people still excel at it. Here are my major gripes with smartphone users:
- Facebook friend someone you just met at the bar and are currently talking to. Wait for request. This is overly social.
- Have full blown conversations with people in Kazakhstan via the latest social networking site. Ignore people two feet away from you. This is anti-social.
- Not notice the attractive man/girl sitting at the bar as you post to Facebook about how you really need to find a partner. Again, anti-social.
- FourSquare. Really? I need to know you are at Petsmart? Maybe. But that’s only if I’m coming to kill you. Overly social.
- Checking email. You used to be okay just checking your email every ten minutes while at home. Now it’s every ten minutes for the rest of your life. Congratulations, you are insane.
Simple rules for a very complex piece of electronics that most likely caused the death of a few Africans in the Congo. Didn’t know that? Check it out on your smartphone http://bit.ly/d5KSGQ.
Seriously Now
I want to be completely honest and serious right now. I wrote this because I see these people every day in almost every place you can think of. People are literally sucked right out of reality into this little three inch by five inch rectangle. Sometimes when I look at a group of four or five people at the bar or entire families in a restaurant who simultaneously are looking at their iPhones, I secretly wish I was $teve Jobs. After a second, I am glad I’m not one of the men responsible for making people boring. Because we have all this crap at our fingertips, normal social interaction is becoming blasé for some. Because we have all this crap at our fingertips, people take other people’s company for granted. But for those of you who find yourselves in this situation, don’t worry. Your smartphone will always be your friend.
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