Guinness Book of World Records

At one time or another we have all pondered about what we could personally do to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. We all have different skill sets so most of us would consider different talents.

 Now let’s quickly put aside those people with freakish naturally occurring features. While they are interesting to see, I think we all know we are laughing at them and not with them. If you have the world’s largest/smallest nose, feet, hands, breasts, or anything like this, please know that you are essentially a lemur in a cage that everyone points at. 

Meet Mehmet Ozyurek, owner of the world's largest nose.The Turkish Army actually uses this guy's schnoz for Anti-Aircraft guns. He can shoot 30 snot rockets at enemy planes in under a minute.

I have more respect for the people who have the longest toenails, longest hair, or most tattoos covering their body. While this is equally as useless as having the biggest nose, at least these people showed the dedication and disregard for all that is socially acceptable to reach their statuses with Guinness. 

However, today my post is not about freaks who don’t bathe or the man with the smallest penis. No, this post is about me and how I plan on getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. I originally had to think of what talents I possess. Having quickly run through that short list and having identified no promising ideas, I had to look elsewhere. 

My first idea was to become the person to eat the most types of animals in the world. As I thought about it, the idea seemed too easy and infantile. As I said before, I respect those who have put some dedication into their records. 

After talking my aspirations over with some friends, I came to a conclusion that will definitely gain me fame and possibly fortune. I plan on becoming the first man to travel around the world via one hundred percent animal transportation. You may be saying to yourself Oh Jesus Christ, this guy is a fucking idiot.

You are correct, but not because of this topic. I’ve thought it out pretty seamlessly. Some keys to success are perseverance and the ability to properly interact with the animals. Since I’m half Mexican I most likely have some distant Aztec or other Native American blood in me. And because Native Americans are quite adept at persevering and interacting with wild animals, I’m instantly better than most people. That being said, I’m off to a good start. 

So the plan is to use animals to transport me around the world. I can ride them, have them pull me, or use them in any way to aid my transportation. I will most likely start off on a horse and ride him northeast towards Alaska. When he is downtrodden, I will kill him for meat to sustain myself and the next animal I use. 

Another key to success on this journey is sharing the previous animals’ heart with the next animal. So when the horse dies and I find a moose to ride the rest of the way toward the Bering Strait, the moose and I will both dine on the horse’s heart. Now we all know that by eating an animal’s heart one can capture some of the courage that animal held. I’ve previously only eaten cow’s heart which is why I am currently only moderately courageous. However that will all change soon enough. 

As time goes on, acquiring the courage of more and more animals will be necessary. No matter which route I ultimately take around the world (northern, equatorial, southern), I will be faced with some serious animals. Lions, tigers, and bears will bow in reverence to me as I confront them in the forests and jungles. They will be able to sense that I have undertaken a grand and mystical journey. More importantly, they will be able to sense the courage of their animal brethren instilled within me. By the end of this journey, there is no doubt in my mind that I will be elevated to a shaman-like status in the human and animal world. 

Don't be surprised if I come back from the trip looking a lot more like this guy.

For those doubters out there who wonder how I will pass the vast oceans that lie in the way of my circumnavigation of the world, please know I this is no problem. I will recruit hundreds of turtles whose shells will make a raft powered by horse hide sails. 

So as you can see there is little left to do but find time to implement my plan. One aspect I am unsure of is how long such a trip would take. We will see if my company will approve a five year sabbatical to travel the world and achieve shaman status. I think it will depend how clever I am in the write-up.