Resolutions

The time between Christmas and New Year’s Day is one of reflection for most people. Many aspects of the holiday season can cause you to analyze your own life and how it could be better. It may be the grotesque amount of money spent on Chinese tinker toys for the little parasites in your family that spurs you to consider thriftiness in the coming year. Possibly the terribly boring travel stories Aunt Gertrude has to tell have you and your wife itching to take a vacation that is worth talking about. Or it could have been the magical moment when you gave birth to that six-pound poo baby Christmas night that convinced you to stop eating so much. Whatever the stimulus, most people are making resolutions for the coming year. I thought I would share mine with you.

Reducing my Carbon Footprint

Of all the buzzwords used over the past couple years I believe going green is one of the most pervasive. Most buzzwords make me want to instantly castrate the person who uses it so I can, at the very least, isolate the stupidity and remove it from our gene pool. Anyone who actually uses ‘viral video’ or ‘that video went viral’ deserves such a fate. Did the video start infecting people like Ebola monkeys flinging poo at a zoo? No. A lot of fucking people watched the video, so you should probably just say that.

But as buzzwords go, going green makes me only slightly angry. Going green makes sense. Green is better than pretty much everything. Greenbacks are better than silver coins.  Green eggs and ham are much tastier than eggs and ham while not tripping on LSD. Green grass bests Kentucky Blue Grass because we all know Kentuckians are just a little too lax on the issue of cousin-lovin’. While some folks may not be opposed to this (like the Mighty Kohndor), most people north of the Mason-Dixon Line won’t tolerate it.

Going green irks me when people falsely believe they are doing something beneficial for themselves and the environment. The yuppy hippy fuck in Whole Foods who chooses the cheese made sustainably in Vermont and drives it home in his SUV makes me angry. Not because he drives an SUV, but because he’ll tell all his friends about how wonderful of a person he is for buying this cheese and ignore the fact that he lives alone with his wife in a subdivision yet somehow needs a car that’s used in Mexico to transport troops.

My goal this year is to set higher standards for those people out there who want to go green. I want to be the example that everyone turns to. I want to meet Anderson Cooper and have a three-minute bit on CNN Heroes. Is that too much to ask?

Anderson Cooper once killed 300 terrorist babies with his bare hands, making him the first CNN Hero.

My plan to reduce my carbon footprint is simple. First, as we all know our food chain is one of the largest culprits in the degradation of nature. Most of the fruits we eat are far more travelled than Marco Polo himself. And when I think about the thousands of thousands of animals herded in massive meat ranches, I can’t help but wonder where all that excrement goes. No matter the answer, that probably is not a healthy place.

Having said this, my plan is simply to eat local. There are plenty of food sources that are close to my home. I live in Illinois, the land of deer, corn, and soybeans. One would think I shouldn’t have to go far to get a good local meal.

Well it is not as easy as I thought. Remember, resolutions are never easy and if you pick an easy one then you are truly a douche. You’re the guy at the office who brags to the three hundred pound man about how you fulfilled your resolution to lose five pounds. Once again, for emphasis of course, these people are douches. But I digress.

The reason eating local as I described is not easy is because I truly do not live in Illinois. I live in Chicago. And we all know that Illinois is filled with inbred yokels that are to be avoided at all costs. Chicago is where you find people who have an aura of regalia surrounding them, people you would want to meet because they don’t want to know the pig they just ate was named Gerald. That’s class.

At some point, in a lapse of judgment Chicagoans gave up the food supply to those tractor-riding southerners. Since we all know that these southerners are to be avoided at all costs, my plan to eat local must adapt like the crafty chameleon. That is why in the New Year I will begin urban hunting. There is a plethora of squirrel, raccoon, possum, sparrow, and domesticated feline for everyone.

The more I think about squirrel stew, the more I want to grow a goatee and buy camo. 

One must remember possums are crass, conceited creatures that deserve to be eaten.

While the meat is gamey, there are numerous savory recipes that explode with flavor and will make your family wonder how they ever got by without yard meat. For the health nut, a strictly yard meat diet will make bowel movements come to a screeching halt allowing your body to suck all the nutritional goodness from the blue jay, crow or rabbit of your choice. My carbon footprint will be reduced enough to offset most of my neighbors and I assume the book deals, interviews, and awards will start rolling in.

What I truly hope for is the opportunity to share my ample knowledge of environmental awareness with other experts in a public forum to raise awareness.

Imagine how we could change the world if my environmental expertise was mixed with Ludacris and Tommy Lee's.

To all my readers, I wish the best of luck out there in the societal jungle this New Year. Remember my wise words: Don’t become a statistic. Especially a rare one like drowning in a toilet, your name will surely be attached to that. 

All Hail our Glorious Chinese Masters

It should come as no surprise to anyone these days that China is taking over the world. They have over a billion people, cheap labor, an insurmountable mass of territory, and the political will to achieve these lofty goals. While there are some of us still clinging to the notion that somehow the Bald Eagle will be able to peck out more than two billion eyeballs, I for one do not think this is a fight worth the effort. I am embracing our new Chinese overlords. I feel that they will be fair and just masters who will supply numerous perks for us underlings. Here are just a few of the changes I see coming when the Chinese take over the world and one issue that may just put a kink in their world domination attempts.

Pandas often confuse skyscapers with bamboo sticks. I don't think there is much to be scared of, look how cute they are!

Food

For one, who doesn’t like Chinese food? Gone will be the days where Americans pick up McDonald’s on the way home from work. Gone will be the days where an American can go to the farthest stretches of civilization and somehow find a McDonald’s serving piping hot burgers made from the aboriginal peoples in the area. Who can really argue that this is a bad thing? Instead we will all bow down to the mighty panda and his delicious yet price friendly Chinese cuisine. I dare you to resist the delectability of orange chicken and lo mein noodles!

In time, we will all have to take a Panda Pledge. However our pledge will have to do more with not committing any actions detrimental to the glorious People's Republic of China.



Culture

During America’s time as controller of the world, we have seen American cultural phenomena spread in a virus-like fashion around the globe. Let’s take a moment to remember some of these cultural highlights:

Michael Jackson describing some of the foreplay he enjoyed with his monkey Bubbles.

Screw Lucy Liu bots, I want a Britney Spears bot. Before becoming a fat mother, of course.

Oh Mr. Cooper, when didn't we want to hang out?

 When the tides turn in China’s favor we will inevitably have the winner of Chinese Idol jammed down our esophaguses. While I hope for the best, this probably means we’re going to see a lot more of this guy:

Urge to kill....RISING

我們不妨習以為常口語和閱讀中文

If you can’t read that then you’re really quite screwed. In preparation of our new masters I have taken to learning their mother tongue. I recommend you do the same. You see, in doing so I am beginning the process of endearing myself to the Chinese people. This will help me to move up in their society. We must remember that the days where we can laugh at the comical old man at the Chinese restaurant who offers us ‘Flied Lice’ are numbered. This situation just won’t arise anymore because we will all be speaking in Chinese. And to make matters worse, they will laugh at us when we mess up their language. This will be especially hard for Southerners considering they can’t even speak English well enough to get by, let alone speak Chinese.     

I don't know or want to know what her secret is, but I can assume she won't be able to learn Chinese.

Clothing

Now here is the problem for me. While I have unrelenting love for our new Chinese suzerains, I have one small issue with how they are ruling. Now, I know the Chinese are out there reading this. Their spies may even be peeping at me right now determining whether or not to send a poison tipped blow dart at my neck. If you are watching me please, refrain from doing so. As I said before, my allegiance to the Chinese is uninhibited in its devotion. I only offer constructive criticism.

To the Chinese I have this to say. Americans are generally a portly bunch, me included. The reason I must parlay this information is because my girlfriend, affectionately known as Squirtle, bought me a Chicago Blackhawks jersey for Christmas.

I understand why you may be confused that I have received Christmas gifts already. You see we are pagan so we celebrate Christmas whenever we feel like it. I was ecstatic when I received the gift and had no idea it was a Chinese knockoff until she told me. The next day we went to the Blackhawks game and as I started to pull the jersey over my head I noticed this extra-large was the smallest I had ever seen. Some might say it was an extra large for Chinese people, not fat Americans.

Despite the jersey clearly stating extra-large, it fit Squirtle like a glove. So even though I may have to wait a while for another jersey, at least she will get some use out of it. Moreover, girls in hockey jerseys are sexy, so I can’t complain.

So China, listen up. We may give up our food, language, and dominance in the world. However we will never relent in our love of football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. I don’t know what sports the Chinese play, but we probably won’t like them. And if China is going to start making all of our jerseys, sell them for cheaper, and cut out the middle men, I will support you. But you better get it right. I don’t want a ‘Chinese extra-large’, I want an American extra-large. I want a Patrick Sharp jersey, not a Patrick Shap jersey.



I'm going to go ahead and assume he ordered a Gonchar jersey

And remember this China because if not, you will have a whole bunch of fat Americans coming after you.

Holiday Gift Follies

The Holidays are approaching and we all know what this time of year signifies. It has nothing to do with Jesus, God, Hanukkah, or confusion over Kwanzaa. The Holidays mean rampant commercialism and an unbridled desire for inanimate objects whose immediate satisfaction seems to dim so quickly. Now that I’ve made some of you sad, I will stop being a Grinch and get to the point. While excitement invariably ensues when you do receive a truly wonderful and thoughtful gift, there are also those moments when you receive a gift and subsequently mentally curse that person and their family.

When you gift someone something nice and they give you CD with three tracks on it that still has the $2.99 price tag (this has actually happened to me before), you kind of wish their car goes careening off an icy cliff on the way home. So to prevent my readers from receiving voodoo threats from myself or other family members, I’ve compiled a list of six gifts never to give to loved ones and only to those people you really hate.

Electronic Baseball Score Tracker

Compare

The first gift we have is an electronic baseball score tracker that uses Wifi. Now let’s just ignore the fact that baseball scores are available on your Smartphone, laptop, desktop computer, iPod, and ESPN. What is most disturbing about the product is that the technology looks like something right out of the 1980’s. I’ve actually seen McDonald’s electronic toys with the same crappy display system. So for the baseball fan that doesn’t have cable, a computer, or any other piece of technology post 1970 in their house, please by all means spend one hundred plus dollars on this outdated travesty.

And contrast. 

Bicygnals 

I am a casual cyclist. I enjoy cycling around my neighborhood and through the forest paths in the nearby suburbs. However, I am not delusional. Cycling is not a glamour sport that brings you much respect. In fact, Americans really hate cyclists. Countless are the times that I’ve heard terrible things yelled in my direction as I use my share of the pavement. I’ve even been run off the road by meat-head truck drivers who find malevolent joy in slowly swerving in my direction until I have to jump the curb onto the sidewalk for dear life. So I do know the challenges cyclists face on the road every day. However this next product does not help the situation. 

The creators of ‘bicygnals’ have found a way to make cyclists look dumber, look geekier, and become more of a target on the road. Bicygnals are the perfect gift for the cyclist you want attention drawn to, and ultimately to end up under the chassis of a Dodge Ram.

USB Cooler

The USB beverage cooler is the peak of conspicuous consumption. This device serves no true purpose for anyone. Every office has a refrigerator. Every home has a refrigerator. Why would anyone need a miniature refrigerator next to their computer? The only guess I could venture would be World of Warcraft players because they epitomize the third of the seven deadly sins: sloth. And if anyone reading does play World of Warcraft, please castrate yourself promptly. Under no circumstances can our country afford another generation of useless keyboard jockeys.  

Harry Potter TV Wand

Harry Potter is all the rage again as the release of the final movie airs around the globe. Like a heroin addict who has one last dance with Mr. Brownstone before entering rehab, companies are trying to cash in on Harry Potter for what will most likely be the last time. This wonderful product caught my interest.

My advice is to get the Harry Potter television remote wand for the son of one of your Right-Wing Christian friends. Not just any Right-Wing Christian but the man you really dislike because he claims gays are Satan in the flesh and that Sarah Palin is a qualified person to run the country. His son will prance around the living room lightly flicking his wrist to change channels and all the meanwhile his father will stew in anger as he is forced to consider sending his son to one of those straight camps.

Peekaru

One of my favorite terrible gifts is the peekaru. This sweater is designed to fit over a baby holding apparatus with a cute hole for your little parasite’s face. Oh how wonderful! It keeps mommy and baby warm! Plus mommy doesn’t have to hold her fat baby!  

While this product may appear cute to soon-to-be mommies, to me it is something born out of someone’s nightmare. It immediately reminded me of this scene:

I hope that the producers of Alien will file an intellectual properties claim against the creators of this outrage in the near future.   

Just a Drop

The final gift I’ve found is one we can all relate to. We have all walked in the bathroom and been met with a terrible smell. Not just the normal smell of an adult bowel movement. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the smell of congealing, rotting proteins that have been fermenting for hours in the warm gut of an overweight middle-aged person and subsequently been plunged into the world like an evil spirit escaping from Hades. I think we all have a better picture now. The smell that stops you in your tracts. The smell that makes you wonder whether God even cares about you.

Just eat a drop less tuna and maybe you won't stink the bathroom up like the wharf. 

This product is made for the person in your family or at your office whose bowel movements make you question the abilities of the human body. Just drop one of the tablets into the toilet before use and the smell is neutralized. It’s the polite way to tell someone that they should really consider a change in diet. 

Holiday Hell

December is in full swing and unless you live in a cave you’ve probably been to the mall. Whether you were forced by your girlfriend or wife or came to the yearly realization that at some point this holiday season you will have to go, for people with Y chromosomes it is a terrible experience. 

The Entrance

The entrance to a mall is like a staging area in a quarantined hospital. You must wash when you go in and wash when you leave, for safety purposes of course. Walking into the department stores at the mall you are blasted with the olfactory overload of thousands of perfumes at the same time. The sum of which smells like thousands of old ladies are circling you in their Rascals.

If this wasn’t enough they have spray tanned people standing around sticking smelly white pieces of paper in your face.

Leather-faced lady/well groomed, fit male: Want to smell Ralph Lauren Amber Rain today?

Me: NO. Stop sticking foreign smells in my face before I stick something in yours. And believe me it will be a smelly piece of white paper that you will never forget. 

  

For as much as I hate this entire experience it serves a purpose. Quarantine in a hospital prevents diseases from getting in or out of the little area. In the mall, the chemical wash that is the perfume department prevents you from experiencing some of the less desirable aspects mall, thus allowing you to spend more money.

For one there are children everywhere. We all know children smell. That is a fact, no need to say more. Secondly, old people. In general, they have less control over their bowels than Lindsay Lohan can resist temptation at a lesbian cocaine party. This is not a good smell, Lindsay Lohan or the old people. So by jamming your nostrils full of smell, you don’t experience these elements of the mall. Lastly, the aromatic fumes we find at the entrances also get us a bit high. Ever spend too much time in a department store? Those elves come to life after a while.  

  

Old People

At this point you made it out of the department store that you didn’t even need anything from.

Deep breath to try and clear the lungs and nostrils and it’s time to move on. One store. All I need to do is get to that one store, buy the crap, bee-line for the exit.

Mentally you’re prepared to get in and get out like a heist.

Smooth and seamless like in Ocean’s 11. You’re George Clooney. Ready? Go.  

Now as soon as you start to walk you hit a wall of old ladies. Roadblock.

God, they’re slow. Okay made my way around them, time to move.

More old ladies. Roadblock.

GOD damnit! Okay, scoot by that group of old ladies, let’s go people. Man I wish it was acceptable to push old people.

Bam! Old ladies? Exactly. This is because for some reason old people find the mall to be an acceptable place to exercise. They just walk around the mall holding up every last man who wants to shop with precision. 

Old people should exercise in places where no one can see them. Because honestly, I'm not sure whether or not that man is shitting his pants.

At this point you have to resign to the fact that these ladies are ruining your chance at a heist-like shopping experience.

Jailbait

The place smells. The old people are holding you up. But finally you make it to the store you wanted to find. You buy your girl that new set of pots and pans you’ve been thinking about to remind her that ordering Chinese doesn’t constitute cooking and you’re ready to go.  But alas, on your way from the register to the door you notice a girl walking in front of you.

Damn! That girl is cute. She’s got a NICE ass!

You think about going up to her and saying hello. You did just buy pots and pans for your girl so you’re thinking it could head south after Christmas. As you debate in your head you notice her walking towards a group of high school girls.

No,don’t go there. Nooo!

Yes. After all those terrible thoughts about old people God is making sure you realize you are a dreadful person.  As she joins her friends she turns around to reveal her braces in all their glory. For most of us, the guilt, shame, and anger fill your body. 

Why is she dressed like that? Seriously, where is her father?

Why can’t I be 16 again? I don’t remember my friends looking like whores in high school. Well, except Easy Erin, Loose Lucy and Spread-Eagle Sam. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT.

My daughter is going to be a fucking nun. A FUCKING NUN!

Time to go

You’re rattled. Your head is spinning from inhaling fumes. The hoard of old people is starting to worry you because Mrs. Field’s doesn’t have a senior discount and the grumblings of riot are written on the wall. At the same time you’re trying to convince yourself you’re not a pedophile. The solution is to run. Run as fast as you can until you breathe the fresh air of the parking lot. And do not come back to the mall. At least until next year.