Solving More of the World's Problems

I am a man of solutions. When I see a problem, I find a solution. So it is no wonder I am at it again. Since the government has told me to cease sending them my ‘outrageous’ opinions or risk the consequences, I will share them with you. 

The problem I see is one unique to the city. When I take the train downtown for work, I get a good tour of some different neighborhoods along the way. If you didn’t know any better, you would swear that you were passing through Kiev just after the wall came down. The glum, dirty landscape can’t help but make you think about what you take for granted. 

I began to think that someone should really clean up these poor, dirty neighborhoods. It would boost morale for these people a little bit (but not too much we don’t want anyone to get any ideas and revolt). Everyone feels better and energized when they are working or living in a tidy space. 

The solution is simple. Goats. Now I know the first thing you were thinking is that it is inhumane to put goats in these poor neighborhoods to attract el chupacabra who can then eliminate the litterers. That’s really not where I was going, but I’m happy my readers have el chupacabra on the mind…you always have to be on the lookout.

Could you imagine this thing pouncing on a guy who throws a Jolly Rancher wrapper on the ground? Sweet!

But seriously, goats will eat anything! Have you seen the episode of Andrew Zimmern where he has an exotic food eat-off with a goat? While that may have been something I imagined after eating a strange flower, the message is still the same: the goat won. 

Andrew Zimmern ordering indigenous boys to find him more testicles to eat.

So if we release a small flotilla of goats into these dirty neighborhoods the tires, plastic bags, condoms, food wrappers, and old pornography will be gone in a year. I personally guarantee it. 

Personal Guarantee valid in Estonia, Latvia, and the Czech Republic.

As with all my plans there is an added bonus. It’s similar to when they offer you double the quantity of Sham-Wow products for the same low, low price.

With all these goats wandering around the city, an added food source for poor people is now easily available. This will allow the government to cut food stamps without the guilt of knowing they screwed over the poor (we all know that is the last thing they would ever do).  

This government issued guide will help people to properly take advantage of all the supreme tastiness a goat has to offer.

 In essence, goats will be the key to cleaning up the inner city, economic revival, and political healing. I’m starting to feel like this platform could have defeated Rahm Emmanuel in the mayoral race. Either way, we have to look forward and not to past hypothetical situations. I just want to say, “You’re welcome America, I knew you couldn’t do it without me.” 

This goat may save America's livelihood. Honor him by cooking him savory.